Before I start on this blog, I just wish to state that this blog is not about self harm. If you need any help in that way or wish to speak to someone here are some numbers, websites, addresses that you should visit… keep smiling, it’s one bad day not one bad life 🙂 ❤
As a clumsy girl I was forever falling over at Uni and stupidly because I am very lazy I used to always go over the green to my flat instead of going on the safe pavement, but nooooooo I decided the slippery muddy grassy slope would be best. Anyway, one day I ended up falling and going onto my left side, I thought shit that hurt and went quickly back to my bedroom. 30 minutes later I had a lecture and as I was sat there my classmates said “your arm is going purple”….. it was. I was so freaked out, I couldn’t feel a thing, it was so heavy and a dead like feeling and I was just really worried. I booked an appointment with the doctor and they said it was whiplash. Months later whilst at my job (on the checkouts) it kept happening again, the dead weight feeling, purple arm and the motion that I could not feel a thing in this arm.
I was then sent to specialists and in the end we went private because it was getting worse, I therefore was sent to a specialist and they did many tests on me. I had things put in me, xrays, mri scans and so many things I cant even remember. In the end I was actually put upside down to see where my blood went, they actually found out there was a compression with my nerve/blood and bone in my neck.
As soon as my left arm was raised not even 45 degree angle, the blood stopped going to my arm and was slowing down my heart. Bloody scary, usually with this condition you are offered physiotherapy first of all but nope, me it was straight for a booking for surgery.
The condition is called Thoracic Outlet Syndrome, I apparently have had it all my life but the falls triggered it. Many sports stars have this. After my operation, it literally felt like my head was so floppy and not attached properly. Very weird and I was left with two scars, they went in and cut back the muscle to stop any compression between the blood/nerves and bone. For months after I hated my scars, after the hospital took away their bits I was left with what I saw and I hate it. I still hate it to this day. My scars have not healed properly:
Here are my scars. This was about 8 months after and my scars are still like this 3 years later. They cannot change them because of the scar tissue, I still to this day get looks. The scars are very raised and lumpy and they are not going down, I hate even myself touching them and I do not let anyone else touch them. There were some days in which I would be walking down the street and people would physically just stare, its not like I have tried to self harm (no offence!!) and hurt myself in that way, but thats how I felt. I felt that I was being judged. On nights out I went home early because I couldn’t cope with the looking. Halloween was my best night as I could really dress it up. But when it got to the stage where it was not just me that was noticing people staring, it was my friends as well. Some even had a go at people staring, I then thought to myself – you can either do two things here…….. think fuck it, this is my life, my body, I was very unwell or feel forever judged. I thought fuck it.
Like I said to this day, if I am feeling down I will wear a scarf and still people in my office are noticing them and I have to explain each time but I really don’t mind people asking me. I would prefer people to ask me than to just stare. This has definitely opened up my eyes to other people’s lives, other people’s difficulties, disabilities and looks.
Do not ever judge a book by it’s cover. I urge you.
Of course we all have scars, whether mentally or physically. Whether it be through abuse (I really hope not and big hugs to you), stretch marks (having a baby or big curvalicious) or even just doing silly things like falling over – each scar is unique, each scar tells a story and that story is a chapter of your life. That chapter makes you, do not be ashamed of that chapter, you have had to grow through it and you have come out of it. Please check out this link for any helpline numbers where you live –do not feel alone –
I still have pain every day from this, although I can now raise my arm and it doesn’t go purple yay lol… it still affects me. We all walk in different paths, we all have different lives. But in the end, we are all unique but we are all unique together. We must accept others as we wish to be accepted ourselves.