I honestly think that one of life’s hardest lessons is to let go of something or someone in which you don’t want to. Whether it be a thought, feeling, object, person or a place – you will always want to keep a hold of something that made you smile once.
I have come to realise since growing older (oh hi grandma), that sometimes I just have to let things run its course, you can’t force someone to think something, you can’t bring someone back, you cant fix something that is damaged – life is life and life is what you make it.
For 2 years + now, I have had feelings for someone and I know that he has those feelings too, but I am so tired of being in the background. I am tired of just wanting to be in his life, no im not talking about someone who I see from a distance (although he may as well be!), but a friend I have known for 8 years now. I was stupid, but I was seeing someone else and I didn’t know that my friend liked me that much – I missed my opportunity and he now has a girlfriend. In these 2 years, we have seen each other three times – yes three. One time at his birthday party where he tried to tell me how he felt, and I couldn’t listen I did not want to be that girl whilst she was there or even if she wasn’t there, even though she was horrible to me that night and made me feel the size of an ant! The second, I saw her and I was shaking like a leaf, I felt sick and I was in the smallest shop and all I wanted to do was to escape – a few days later, I received an apology from her and he actually started to talk to me. Third, we met up in February as friends – THAT’S IT, all feelings aside, I was just happy to talk to him, just to see how he was. We were chatting via text all the time for a week, catching up as friends do. The night was lovely, lots of laughs and like it was, we never once spoke about ourselves in the past, it was all to do with family, friends, his girlfriend, work and his work mates…….. the next day, no reply. We haven’t talked since. I have tried to ask simple questions, like how are you? Completely been ignored. I am happy that the last thing I said to him was that he needed to speak to his family if he did nothing else, as he had not talked to them in months…. 2 months later they have met up a number of occasions, I am slightly hoping that I had a part in that.
I am a normal girl, I know when people are in relationships they are off limits, I know that my feelings are put to the back of my mind. But sometimes its so hard, am I missing him as a friend or something else?
I was so fed up and still am of being ignored. So, after a glass of wine and often when I chose to make big decisions, this kinda phase comes over me of “well fuck them, and fuck it” and I did it.
I text him for the final time.
I said “hey hope you’re okay. I am guessing from the silence that you have chosen not to talk to me again. Gonna leave it up to you now to message me. If you ever need a chat, wanna met up like old times just let me kn ow. Have a good day at work… Cat”
I saved it in my drafts for ages and after the wine, I really did think “fuck it”, if he can’t be arsed, why should I be arsed to wait on a friendship that is one sided. It wasn’t a malicious text, a rude text, it was just a standard text. I could have been so rude, I could have really viewed my opinions, but I didnt.
There’s only so much someone can take. I have been dismissed, talked about, bitched about, been given looks and made to feel small. I know that the years as friends we had were amazing, funny, tipsy. But theyre just memories now. I know that the friends that I have I can count as true friends. I cannot be dealing with people who just want me when they want me, or when they think someone doesn’t know, or theyre under the thumb.
Life is too too short.
I saw a quote the other day that I absolutely loved and it really did make me realise that I had done the right thing, I mean of course seriously every time he bloody pops up on my newsfeed I am taken back to those thoughts, but only for a few minutes – but unfortunately I am too much of a nosey bugger to delete or block lol! Anyway, the quote was;
“Your life is temporary, make it count eternally”
How can 8 little words be so powerful.
So I thought I would leave it there for you. If you are hanging on to something which is causing you pain, not allowing you to move forward, think to yourself – can I really do this anymore? If not – breathe and take a step into saying goodbye.