I think this is going to be one of my most honest posts. I have been putting this on off for some time now, and today has just made me want to post it. Let’s set the picture as to what I look like at the moment, I am currently listening to Adele on full blast, im eating the fattiest m&m peanuts, im in the dark with the only light coming from my fairy lights and surrounded by photos of times that have past. I am feeling delicate.
Today I found out that my best boy-friend of 10 years got engaged to his girlfriend, now I woke up to this news so of course I was not really awake but my first emotion was……… fuck. The reason was, they have only been dating since the start of February and they are already engaged. Now I know how much she makes him happy, which is bloody brilliant – but a) I haven’t seen him since February b) I have not met her and of course I am protective. We’ve been through a lot previously and I just feel like things are falling away from me. Of course I congratulated them, but I was jealous – not of her being with him (those feelings left 9 years ago lol), but the fact that they had found pure happiness and I have been single now for …… 6 years – FUCK.
I was mad.
I never get mad. I decided to go for a drive, stupidly put a full face of make up on and as I was driving along I actually shed a tear!! Bloody make up ruined, but I questioned why was I crying? Was it because I was jealous of what they have? Was it because they are moving on with their life? Or was it purely that it was so much of a shock – plus the fact my Mum for years have said every other month why aren’t you with him!! (If only she knew the truth!) It doesn’t help that I have been stuck on that person for years (the truth person) and no matter how many times I say goodbye in my head, my heart keeps saying hello.
My best friend recently also announced that she is going to be a Mummy in April and that was one amazing celebration, I was and still am super happy for her. Again, a few days later I thought – hmmm she’s going to start a family, they have just bought a house….. I am still stuck at home being single and living with the Parents.
I personally should stop looking at apps such as Timehop and On this day via Facebook. I am not one of these people who looks to the future, I live in the present and the past unfortunately. Each day I am reminded of what I was doing, how much fun I was having, what nights out used to be like, how big my group of friends was and how much of a laugh. Now I think of that group of friends and I just think, 2 are married, 2 are engaged, 2 are parents and all have moved out. But I am the one that talks to all of them (well apart from 1) and that’s because they have all fallen out. I am a peace keeper/maker whatever you wanna call it, I don’t like to fall out with people. I definitely have the peter pan syndrome, where I just don’t want things to change, I don’t really want to grow up, I don’t want to be a proper adult. I want to have all of those giggles with not a care in the world, I don’t want to have these stupid feelings of what if I said that, or what if I did this?
But what I do love, I do love me now. I do love the personality and how strong I am. I know how to stick up for myself and for those who I love. I wished in the past I had this, so I would not be in the position I am today.
I think, I can just see those around me moving up and growing up. I dislike the fact that my Parents probably think – why can’t she find someone, why can’t she move out, or why can’t she find a job that makes her smile every day and not feel so shit every night. In answer to all those 3 questions – I do not know.
And now anxiety takes over and I feel shit again……. bugger.
I will probably absolutely fine tomorrow, well apart from the going to work bit!! But it’s just one of those days, where I didn’t know how to feel, or how to act.
There you have it……………….. now everyone sing: