Heart vs head


As I was driving through town today and listening to Sam Smith on full blast, I was having all of these flashbacks (as I often do when driving), of all of the possibilities that I could have had and still could. But the one thing that is holding me back is……… me.

I have a huge huge huge issue of when I am dating someone or someone takes an interest in me, I like the first few weeks and as soon as they take a greater interest in me, I find any fault I can about that person.

I really really want to be in a relationship, but I just automatically shut off and don’t let the person get to know me. I am trying online dating, but this is failing as I am talking to the people online and as soon as they say “can I have your number, or do you wanna meet?” I just go like this inside:


Although I would like to point out that I am not scared of Mr Blobby. 

So yeah, I hide. I hide and I run…….LOL i don’t know how to react. Reasons that I have thought about hiding have been simple things as such as “we’re friends, that would ruin it”, “he’s just not making me feel happy inside” – (to be fair, this person I went on 2 dates with, and I felt like I was forcing myself to go), “he’s too far away”.

I honestly think its down to my exes. We would talk for ages and we hardly met up becaue of circumstances and then suddenly I would get dumped. For no reason. So there’s a huge lack of trust.

Maybe it’s just me. But I cannot get over this stage. I cannot get over the stage of my brain HAVING to find fault with the other person, so I am put off by them – but then my heart is saying you absolute bellend, do you want to be single all of your life?!


How do I get over this?! I absolutely hand on heart, hands in the air, however you want to say know that I am not perfect at all, and no one is perfect.

Is it because I am still hung up on someone that I can never have? – How do I get over that….

I am even getting frustrated with myself writing this.





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