health · thoughts

Yes I am in a lot of pain, but I am smiling.

d9ee4b4bb3ca9c405eb8c7aafee631cdThis is a tough blog post that I have been putting off for some time, but I feel that this is an entry that I just have to get off my shoulders.

I am in pain. I am in pain every day and I wear a big smile. I am fed up of people only sympathising if someone can physically see someone is in pain.

I know a lot of people are suffering in pain, and we all do not know each other’s struggles and we all have to support each other, but sometimes I just need a huge hug to say its going to be alright.

I have previously spoken about my illness here >> click here << but each day my conditions seem to be getting worse. I honestly don’t know if its my thoracic outlet syndrome, my fibromyaliga, hypermobility or something else.

The mornings I seem to be unable to get up, where my alarm goes off for over an hour before I can get up, during the day at work – I don’t know whether its because I am tense and stressed, or my chair, I just dont know, but I get the aches and pains. I refuse to take strong medication, as previously I have done this and I have made sense, and due to my job role I need to be on the ball.

As I am walking home, (and this has happened quite a few times this year already) I have been unable to breathe, my back goes into spasms, I have to physically unhook my bra in a quiet aisle in a shop, so that my lungs can take in air. I have gotten annoyed with the cashier because the pain I am going through is intensifying, I then am apologising for pain that they cannot see. Β If I could I would sit down in the middle of the shop or high street floor, so that I can take a breather. I can hardly walk, I can feel my legs getting weaker, my back muscles hurting, my rib muscles contracting and I am trying not to cry. My hands are losing clasp of what I am holding.

I see the bus coming, and I pray that no one sits in the front seat. It sounds silly but this one singular seat, the back is harder, more upright and I can just sit there and relax my back, no one can see my facial expressions as I am screaming inside in pain. I hope at each bus stop that no one asks me to move, because they do not see that I am physically in pain.

I then have to force myself to get off the bus and know I have another 5 minutes of agonising walk. This week, I couldn’t get the keys out of my bag and I just kept knocking loudly on the front door, my Dad opened it up and I just got to the sofa and collapsed and cried.

I am fed up of this feeling, this pain and being unable to describe it. I cannot wait to find out if this pain is linked to other illnesses I have, or it is just temporary – ie something that can be fixed.

So for now I will look like this:

giphy2

but inside I am like this:

giphy4

I just want to say a huge hug to anyone who is experiencing pain on a daily occurrence. I am there for you. We are there for you.

It’s okay to have a breakdown. It is allowed.

sign

5 thoughts on “Yes I am in a lot of pain, but I am smiling.

  1. So much love to you ❀️ you’re such a beautiful person and have to deal with so much. It’s definitely okay to breakdown and cry and if you ever feel the need at work I can create a diversion πŸ˜‰ Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: I can and I will.

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