This is a tough blog post that I have been putting off for some time, but I feel that this is an entry that I just have to get off my shoulders.
I am in pain. I am in pain every day and I wear a big smile. I am fed up of people only sympathising if someone can physically see someone is in pain.
I know a lot of people are suffering in pain, and we all do not know each other’s struggles and we all have to support each other, but sometimes I just need a huge hug to say its going to be alright.
I have previously spoken about my illness here >> click here << but each day my conditions seem to be getting worse. I honestly don’t know if its my thoracic outlet syndrome, my fibromyaliga, hypermobility or something else.
The mornings I seem to be unable to get up, where my alarm goes off for over an hour before I can get up, during the day at work – I don’t know whether its because I am tense and stressed, or my chair, I just dont know, but I get the aches and pains. I refuse to take strong medication, as previously I have done this and I have made sense, and due to my job role I need to be on the ball.
As I am walking home, (and this has happened quite a few times this year already) I have been unable to breathe, my back goes into spasms, I have to physically unhook my bra in a quiet aisle in a shop, so that my lungs can take in air. I have gotten annoyed with the cashier because the pain I am going through is intensifying, I then am apologising for pain that they cannot see. If I could I would sit down in the middle of the shop or high street floor, so that I can take a breather. I can hardly walk, I can feel my legs getting weaker, my back muscles hurting, my rib muscles contracting and I am trying not to cry. My hands are losing clasp of what I am holding.
I see the bus coming, and I pray that no one sits in the front seat. It sounds silly but this one singular seat, the back is harder, more upright and I can just sit there and relax my back, no one can see my facial expressions as I am screaming inside in pain. I hope at each bus stop that no one asks me to move, because they do not see that I am physically in pain.
I then have to force myself to get off the bus and know I have another 5 minutes of agonising walk. This week, I couldn’t get the keys out of my bag and I just kept knocking loudly on the front door, my Dad opened it up and I just got to the sofa and collapsed and cried.
I am fed up of this feeling, this pain and being unable to describe it. I cannot wait to find out if this pain is linked to other illnesses I have, or it is just temporary – ie something that can be fixed.
So for now I will look like this:
but inside I am like this:
I just want to say a huge hug to anyone who is experiencing pain on a daily occurrence. I am there for you. We are there for you.
It’s okay to have a breakdown. It is allowed.