So I am back, after having just over 1 week off, its been really really hard not to blog. Over the week and a bit I have put my instagram to private, twitter to private and removed this blog offline.
Last week, I was sharing a post of my friends blog and the technical platform that I was using linked my instagram to all of my facebook friends. Now some of you would think that this would be a good idea, but I have never felt the pit of my stomach sink so quickly before. There were previous to this, only 2 people in the world that knew about my blog and by that evening my views had shot up, I had so many of my friends following my instagram and to be honest I have blocked all of them.
I know that that sounds ridiculous, but when I set up this blog nearly 4 years ago now it was my safe haven. It literally felt like someone had found my secret diary and knew all my thoughts and feelings. Have you ever had that? I just wanted to hide away, I felt exposed and very weak.
It’s silly isnt it? It’s silly that I felt exposed when I have been writing online for so long, but I honestly before this happened didnt care if someone read it without me knowing but as they knew, that’s what scared me.
Nothing on this blog is…….. revealing, okay well maybe one or two posts about some boys but the rest are my general thoughts. I honestly didn’t want to blog again. Then I thought to myself, fuck it.
If people are going to read it, theyre going to learn more about me, maybe I will open up more and maybe it will help me. But I will still never ever advertise this blog to my friends and family, and I know full well that if they mention this blog to me I will feel sick and will probably hide it again.
Another reason why I came back is that I have helped so many people to overcome things, I have often messages left by people who just want to chat, to rant or to use the tools I have on my blog. I thought, why should I remove this because of my stupidly high insecurities?
Doing my blog makes me happy, thinking of what to write makes me happy, having strangers say hello and say that they love my blog makes me happy. It is like a little hobby that distracts me from my thoughts, and also allows me to express my thoughts.
I tried to explain this to my best friend as she wanted to follow me, and unfortunately she did not understand how I felt. I explained that it felt that someone had opened up my diary.
Honestly……. I started blogging after receiving counselling. I felt that it really helped me express my thoughts and it has really helped. I was in such a low point in my life; my nan died, my dad had a very bad near death brain injury, i was hugely lacking self confidence, I hated work, we had a house fire and I just had enough. Blogging has helped me through that. And only after I explained that, she understood.
As the title image says, “I’m doing this for me” – I need to get more confident, I need to be more secure in myself, be more confident. I need to not give a fuck as much.