friendships · life · relationships · thoughts

Why do I fear being in a relationship?

So, this is a post that I have been putting off writing for years, and I literally mean years. I’m hoping that by writing it, it will clear away so many thoughts in my head, or even just some weight off my shoulders.

I suck at relationships/ people liking me.

There I said it. I’m so bored of it. I thought I would write down all of the thoughts in my head… here we go:

I have been single for many many years, actually it’s 9 years .  9 years you really grow a lot of confidence in yourself by yourself, self dependency and you really get stuck in a rut!

It’s not to say that i have not been on dates or liked people, that’s all happened, but the idea of being in a relationship panics the fuck out of me.

In the past years, I’ve had 2 of my closest best male friends admit they had feelings for me, a guy I used to work with, someone who I have spoken to for years and two others out of the blue.

The two guys, the first I chose my now ex, the second, I did my usual of finding all of the negative traits about him and put together all the reasons he would hate to be with me in my head . I to this day, cannot forgive myself for this one and cannot get over it. The guy from work, I dated because he wanted to date me and everyone was pressuring me at work. The other two, found negative traits and the last one is currently current.

When someone says to me that they like me the following thoughts go through my head:

  • Fuck
  • I want to hide away
  • I’m not good enough
  • Is this a joke?
  • Why me?
  • I feel sick
  • I don’t want to talk to them anymore
  • Aaaaaaargh!!!!!!!
  • Why did you let it get this far?
  • How ridiculous are they? Haha why?!
  • They’re actually taking the piss out of me
  • What do they want?
  • Why do they want to be with someone who isn’t a size 4-16?
  • Why would they want to be with someone who is probably heavier than them lol

As you can see, nothing positive . I don’t know how to turn it around.

I really like the idea of relationships, and I love seeing others in love. I of course would love to have a family in the future but i need to get over these thoughts. No matter how hard i try, they dont change.

The idea of dating scares the fuck out of me. Just the idea of meeting up with someone.

Guy I’m talking to right now, gives me the usual compliments/flirting techniques of “youre beautiful” , “good morning lovely” etc . My responses are “ta” and “hi”. Lol I just don’t know how to react!! I find it hilarious and also have 99% thoughts that he is taking the piss.

I’ve thought about this a lot, like a lot a lot . I’ve come to some conclusions why I think this and thoughts I’ve haf, but I find myself so frustrating.

  • My exes were absolute dicks
  • My friends always come to me about the negative aspects of their relationships, I hardly hear the good
  • Growing up I was never the girl the boys wanted
  • Boys used to come to me for relationship advice
  • I’ve seen my friends be abused by their partners
  • Whenever I liked a boy growing up, I would forever be friendzoned
  • I don’t want to be trapped
  • I don’t want to not meet expectations
  • Why are boys/men so obsessed with sex?
  • So much pressure!!

Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the freak. I’m so fed up lol I’d love to be in a happy relationship, my friends and family would – I can feel those pressures as more and more of my friends are starting families.

Argh. This blog post is more for me than others , sorry

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