Respect and love – tough post to write.

hi all.

Really strange post for me today and I’ve been putting it off for sometime, as it’s taken me quite a while to process.

Family means everything to me. My family is a small family made up of myself, my brother and my parents. On the one side of the family we are super close and the other side, like most families we simply do not talk. Family to me is not just blood but it’s who is there for you, who is there for you to pick up the pieces when you’re feeling down or when you’re celebrating.

But this post is all about my blood family, especially my nan.

My nan is the last of my grandparents, and it really makes me sad to think that she is all that I have of the older generation. The idea of that generation going is just super sad, the stories they have, their ways of thinking and just well so many things about them.

At the start of this year, my nan was told that she has terminal cancer. Which absolutely broke my heart. My 3rd grandparent who will pass away from this evil disease.

My nan bless her has had cancer before but it seems although she got the all clear, the doctors didn’t realise that this cancer was the source. She has lymph node cancer which has spread to her lungs.

A couple of years ago when my nan was very ill she actually had a do not resuscitate on her file, but the doctors didn’t see this and brought her back to life. I mean we do joke about it now, but at the time it was like ‘yes we’ve got another chance’.

But this time around, she has decided that she does not want to take any medication, she does not want any assitance or chemotherapy/radiation. She’s happy to go when she has to go.

I found this tough. My thoughts were:

  • How dare she?
  • But she has to keep going!!
  • Why is she not thinking straight?
  • There are so many alternatives

Then I thought, all those questions and statements are completely and utterly selfish. They’re all about me. She’s lead her life, she has had a super happy life where she’s made the best friends, married to my grandad for 49 years and she’s seeing all of her friends around her go.

It must be so lonely. I mean, I’m sat here now writing this and I have the biggest lump in my throat. But we have to respect her wishes. We have to make everyday count, call her up as much as we can, visit her more often.

I don’t know how long she has left. But then again do any of us?

It’s been tough learning to respect her wishes, each time i talk to her I just want to stay on the phone longer, or give her a tighter hug. As I said I don’t know how long she has left, but it truly is going to hit me hard.

When my other nan died in 2011, it’s taken me years to even get over her death. But this nan, we share a birthday. So the idea of us not singing happy birthday down the phone to each other is going to break me.

So what I’m trying to say is. Look after those who love you and you love them. Respect their opinion and cherish every minute. Make as much memories as you can. Love your grandparents and especially your parents as they’re getting old too.

Now I’m crying.

Night xo

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