I wasn’t ever ready to say goodbye

 

Adobe_Post_20190815_211035-01Hi my lovelies, I hope that you are well…

I seem to have come full circle as to the purpose of this blog. I first started it many years ago, as I was going through counselling to help me with my grieving of my lovely Nan. I didn’t know what to do with my emotions and how to speak with people, but ever since having this blog and a bit of anonymity via my twitter, I have been able to speak my mind. Now, whether you listen or not is another thing but in my head you are all helping me.

For nearly 1 year now, my lovely other Nan has been deeply unwell with cancer and she took the decision a few months back to state that she did not want any help, and we had to learn to respect that decision – you can read my thoughts about this here –  so in my head I have been grieving for sometime now.

They say that the grieving process has 4 stages (according to the NHS):

  • accepting
  • experiencing
  • adjusting
  • moving on.

Acceptance

I learnt to accept that she was not going to be around for another christmas, I accepted that our last birthday together would be the last (we share the same birthday), I learnt to accept that by going into hospital in the last few weeks she wouldn’t come out.

With my acceptance, I tried to make as many memories as I could, I also did what I did with my other Nan and simply recorded conversations with her, so I could replay her voice if/when I wanted to. I have a brilliant one of her watching Fawlty Towers and she is laughing so much, this will be a great happy memory in time.

I accepted that she wanted to go, she was so unwell with cancer. She was depressed whenever she was awake, she wasn’t eating or drinking and she simply wanted to go.

Although I couldn’t see her in hospital alot, each time a member of our family went to see her we would always facetime, and she was always so happy to see us.

Experiencing

Grief is never a nice thing to go through, its never an emotion I would ever want on anybody. I still remember to this day how I reacted when I found out my other Nan passed away, I was on my own and I fell to the floor and I just couldn’t feel my legs. This time around, my parents are on holiday and Mum knew that I didn’t want to be alone when I heard this time and when she rang to tell me the news, I unfortunately I was.

This time around, I was expecting the call. I knew I was going to be on my own and I don’t know what happened but at around 11:30pm I went and sat in the garden, it was super peaceful, and there was a very clear night. This is the image I took at 11:35pm and posted on my personal instagram.

stars
Such a clear sky, with the moon in the background.

As I was sat up looking up at the stars, I was so calm and then I saw my phone was ringing and it was my mum. As she is currently abroad, it didn’t connect and after the 3rd try, I knew what it was. My Nan had passed.

I still felt the same emotions as I did last time, but I was calmer and probably for many reasons such as:

  • the night sky makes me feel a sense of zen
  • i knew it was coming
  • i couldn’t physically cry very loudly out in the open at 11:40pm
  • i have spoken more openly about my emotions on my blog and twitter.

After I found out the news, I went inside and of course had a bigger cry. My legs felt like jelly and I just sat down as quickly as I could. I texted my best friends and my brother called straight away to see how I was, he was able to calm me down super quickly.

I then went back outside and saw a shooting star, and I just thought it was perfect.

Adjusting

I am definitely in this phase.

I am really missing the idea of being able to call her to talk about all of the things that have happened to me this week. I miss her ringing our house every Sunday at 7pm to see how we are.

This part will probably take me the longest.

Moving on

In life, we have to move on and this week really had been mental and I am going to do another blog post about next week as it’s happening at the end of the week. But my Nan would never want us to sit around.

The NHS does state that people can go through anger, and I know for a fact that I will and I have done for the past few months. Never ever ever aimed at my Nan, but aimed more at the other side of my family. My cousins barely saw my Nan, and they live much closer to her than us who lives nearly 3 hours away. My “auntie” who only cared for her when she was at the end, she never once went to see her throughout the past 12 years since my Grandad went.

Making memories

But, breathes we made so many memories together before she passed. My family made it our mission for one of us to call her every day for the last 3 months leading up to her death to find out how she was.

I would strongly recommend that you read my blog about loving your grandparents, as I will forever miss all of them.

My Nan

The love I have for this lady is pure. We shared the same birthday, she was super kind, funny, clever, thoughtful and a very special lady.

The last words she said to me was “I love you” and the last words she said to my parents was “say goodbye to Catherine and Andrew” 💔

_1040549
Me and Nan at my graduation

I’m sorry that this wasn’t my usual happy post, but I just thought I have to do it for my mental state.

Please look after and love your grandparents.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.