Honestly, its been tough month

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Anyone else finding it super hard at the moment? My mind just seems to be rushing and going into overdrive all of the time. I am finding it hard, I will admit it.

I have tried to be positive about the whole situation and to not stress or panic about it, but I think its now starting to really take affect and drain me.

It’s taken me a while to unmute my friends group chat, as its been constant stress, negativity and worry from them. I have tried to ignore it as I just don’t want to be in that mindset. I don’t want to feel that way, I want to try and carry on as normal.

I didn’t expect that my first month of living alone on my own, meant literally living alone. I have seen my parents twice in the past month, and I’m super close to them and its really hard, as I just want to hug them or invite them in for a cup of tea etc. Yes, you can call and video call all you like, but its not the same is it?

This past month I have had to grow up super quickly, and I am finding it quite hard to adjust. I can’t count the amount of times I have cried, or felt so lonely or not wanting to do anything. Bloody even crying now. I don’t think people will ever understand unless you are living alone in this situation, how lonely this is. It was fine the first couple of days, but not seeing any other human is so incredibly tough. The idea of not even having garden, and just escaping to get some air, or to watch the stars at night is just heartbreaking for me.

I work for the local council, and this disease has been all I have dealt with the past month. I have never worked so hard in my life, and to be honest I am glad, its kept my mind active.

I have found that over the past week, I have become more agitated with my friends. I am getting fed up with some suggesting “why don’t you just go for a walk?”, I am sorry that I just can’t sit in my garden like you. I have to go out and be around people who could potentially infect me with this fucking disease. Or how about “you’re lucky to be on your own!”, again fuck you. Do you know how much I would love to be talking to someone at night or during the day? Just to have that little bit of conversation? I can’t wait to go back to the office, just to see people.

I am also finding it super hard to sleep, not only because of all of the stress and worry. But as I said, I have just moved into somewhere where I do not know my neighbours or my surroundings, its just so weird. I am trying, to put a positive spin on it and I am so thankful for those friends have seen that I am struggling and are checking up on me. I am so grateful.

I saw a great post today on facebook and I thought do you know what, that’s it, its so right:93778587_10158309774071763_1458370310158942208_o

Point 4 really stood out for me, if you have been reading my blog for sometime, you know that my way to relax and focus on the good in this world is to look up at the stars. Something I would do when I’m stressed, or I just want to feel calm. When my nan passed away in August, I was sat outside looking at the stars when my mum called me to tell me the news. Yes, I was emotional but that sense of zen was overpowering.

We are all in this together, and I have to keep remembering that no matter how many times I feel lonely, we are all together in being lonely. It is all new for everyone, and none of us have experienced this situation before.

But I tell you what, when this is all lifted, I am going to stay with my parents for a good few days and I don’t care if it looks pathetic. My poor brain needs a little break.

How are you coping?

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