Much like everyone else this year, I have found this year to be tough. It’s drained me emotionally and physically. I think would have thought 2020 would have been absolutely stressful and hard anyway without a bloody worldwide pandemic.
But hey, guess what I am doing it.
To those that don’t know, I moved out of my family home on February 29 officially and then moved into my flat on 8 March. I was super nervous back then, and I felt very alone. I thought to myself, i’ve got this though, I can do this and I kept reading the letter from my auntie which made me smile and also cry.
Ten days later, I left the office for the last time and I have been working from my flat since March 18. It’s been an absolute adventure, and may I recommend that you use a global pandemic to really get to know your flat(!). The start of the lockdown of course you weren’t able to see anyone, I’ve never felt so lonely in my life. Work was so incredibly busy, and it was so so stressful. I was finishing work much later than I should have, I was getting up and then just going to my desk then finishing and going to bed again. I felt like I was in some sort of stuck in a rotation. Yes you can do video calls but it isn’t the same and I was finding it super hard.
I remember one day, where I had finished work and it was one of the most busiest days and I just couldn’t stand the sight of my flat anymore. I literally sat on my kitchen floor and cried, and cried and cried. I didn’t know what to do, I just wanted a hug from someone to say its going to be alright. Please keep in mind that my emotions were:
- sleep deprivation
- super stressed from work
- missing my family home
- having a new experience of living alone
- not understanding how to do simple things
- paying for bloody expensive bills
- and coronavirus.
Of course what brought me back down to earth was my best friend who is an ICU nurse and she was telling me about all of the horrific things she saw at the hospital, and it made me think how lucky I was to be in a safe environment.
Every day I felt sad and on the brink of crying, I would go out and take photos of the sky. No one knew how I felt, but I was so lonely. Looking back now though, I was so strong, I was in the moment and now I just think ‘if you can do that, you can do anything’.
There was one afternoon, I can’t even tell you what month it is considering im mentally still in April but I was feeling super low. I had done something wrong at work, or someone wasn’t happy with me for some reason (I’ve blanked it out) and I was sat at my desk crying. I felt like what’s the point in me doing all of this work for people and just felt bleurgh. Then my buzzer went, and my amazing Mum dropped by after she finished shopping and left me some flowers. She didn’t know I was crying at all, she didn’t know how I was feeling. Please remember this was the time where we couldn’t have anyone in the flat, and I am going to be honest, I dragged her up the two flights of stairs to give her a big hug. I couldn’t do it. That hug was honestly the best hug ever, and I am so sorry to those reading this who didn’t hug.
To get through the past few months, I used to go for a walk, sometimes for about two hours and took some lovely photos, here are just some of them. As you know if you follow me, the sky absolutely relaxes me, I hope that you like.
But since the first few months, I have bought a car which has given me some independence and I am able to see my parents whnever I can.
I have become more involved in work which allows me to be more free and I seem to be getting more compliments which is lovely. In a few weeks time I am starting a new job which is in a higher position than I am in now.
Yes of course there are times where I still feel like shite and if I don’t think about the impending doom of the coronavirus then I feel fine. I try not to dwell on the things that I have no control over, otherwise I may go slightly mad.
I have a friend that is constantly negative and worried about this whole situation, and I can understand where she’s coming from but its so draining. I try to change the subject a few times as I need to not be in that headspace, surely its not great for people?
But this year 2020, wow this year, I have absolutely tried to believe in myself more. If I can get through the above, I sure can get through a lot more.
Ps if you need a mental health break or need help go to my “chill” section pn the top of my blog or go to loveyouandthem.com/chill
What have you been proud of?