Respect and let go

Hey lovely people.

I dont think I’ve ever said on here before but in my family at the moment we are currently going through some sad times.

Last year my Nan found out that her cancer had come back for a 3rd time and this time it had spread to her lymph nodes. My nan is a bloody lovely lady and is so sweet, and when I found out it came back it just shook me. I thought she can do this, she has this down as this is her 3rd time.

But, what happened next shocked me and it’s really made me learn to respect other peoples choices. My parents and my uncle went to the hospital when my nan found out and she turned around to the doctor and said:

I don’t want to have any medication, if the cancer takes me, then I’ve had a great life.

I’ve thought of her saying this so many times in the past year and to have the courage to say she doesn’t want help, made me of course incredibly sad but respect her loads.

My grandad (her husband) passed in 2011 and throughout the last 8 years, she has seen so many of her close friends pass and I think she’s just fed up.

Over the past few months, we have all decided to rotate our calls to my nan just to see how she is. Shes in pain, she is depressed and not eating. I want to help her so much, but she keeps saying that she wants to make memories. I just find this so sad. Her character is changing and its just heartbreaking.

The worst she has ever said is:

Some days I wish that I didnt wake up

To me, I’d love to personally take her to hospital and give her the chemotherapy/ radiotherapy but I can’t. I have to respect her wishes.

So, for me it’s making sure in her time now she has the most lovely memories and is ok as she can be.

But as I’ve said before, if you have grandparents please please please love your grandparents as they will always love you.

PS I want to say the most biggest thank you EVER to all of the people who tweeted me when I asked for advice and charities for the elderly. I honestly couldn’t get over how many people responded.

Anyway, hope everyone is ok

💖

Being 30, i thought it would be different

Hey!

So I’ve been 30 for over 4 months now, nearly 5 and I’m slowly getting around to the idea that I’m 30. It’s still weird to see it written down, and when people ask how old I am, again it’s odd. I find it even stranger when I see people on TV that I personally think look older, and they end up being 33 or 34. I just think “fuck, is it all downhill from now?”.

When I was little, I had so many ideas of what being 30 would be. I thought I would have:

  • A successful career
  • 2 kids
  • A nice house
  • Married

Looking at that list above, I was thinking probably about my parents. At aged 30, they were getting there. But nowadays it seems that you either have your shit together or you’re struggling to get your shit together.

I am in the latter.

I’m not even joking, everyday since turning 30 I have thought to myself, why am I 30 and how did I get here? Like, I havent moved out yet, I haven’t met someone to be happy with yet, and my job… well. Meh.

But all of those, are to be confirmed arent they? I’m only 30, I’m a young 30 and that’s what I have to focus on.

So what, that all my best friends now have kids, so what that they are all happy with someone or loving the single mum life. They may look at my life and think (God knows why) wow I want her life, the independence.

I think being 30 so far as taught me more about myself. I know what I like, what I dont like and what I put up with. I love:

  • Happiness
  • Glitter
  • Colour
  • Makeup
  • Taking the old selfie
  • Going places on my own
  • Family

What i dont love is:

  • People who talk about themselves
  • Gym lovers
  • Politics
  • Argumentative people
  • Pushy people.

I’ve learnt to say no more. Ive learnt to say “I love you” to those who truly deserve it. Ive learnt that, although I may not think it at the time, I’m ok.

There are so many areas that I need to learn and to love about myself, but I’m getting there.

Currently I am going through a huge phase of absolutely not knowing what to do with my career. I feel absolutely out of my depth, and its getting to the point where I used to love to go into work, and now I dont want to. I havent felt like that in years. But I’ve taken career test after career test and I honestly dont know what I want out of life.

I’m hoping, that the next 7/8 months before I turn 31 that I learn what I want and what makes me happy.

But in the meantime, I’m trying to accept more, to have a more open mind. Life is too short, and I know this more than ever at the moment as my Nan has terminal cancer. She is just a beautiful kind lady, and its gonna hurt life fuck when she goes, so for now we all take it in turns to call her everyday to say “I love you”.

I therefore put it to you, to make sure you say “I love you” every day to someone special. Itll brighten their day.

I’m still here, don’t worry…

hi all.

Sorry I’ve been so quiet on here lately. It’s not that I’ve had nothing to say, quite the opposite. I just havent had the oomph to do it.

I know that this blog post is incredibly similar to my last post but I’m getting there. I thought I’d give you a quick bullet point list of what’s been going on:

  • Mum came out of hospital after nearly being paralysed
  • My nan doesnt want to live anymore and has terminal cancer (huge thank you to all of those who tweeted me help groups)
  • My gorgeous best friends little ones are growing up and I’m loving spending time with them
  • Finally went out on a night out in over 1 year. Never felt so old.
  • Found out whatever bite me in the leg in November last year has scarred my leg.
  • Declined the opportunity to go for a job interview for a higher job role
  • Having a lot of self confidence issues and really not feeling it.
  • Trying online dating again but the above bullet point is really affecting it.
  • Making happy memories with those who I love
  • I’m really trying to learn German again and I’ve learnt that I don’t like to speak it but read and writing is fine!! Yay.

The bullet points above I know are slightly negative, but I’m getting there.

So heres a positive picture for me to focus on:

Cat – you felt amazing here and you look good.

Hope everyone is ok 💋

Don’t forget to breathe… why I’ve been quiet lately.

Hey lovelies,

You may or probably may not have noticed that I have been a little quiet on here and on social media. I’ve been a little busy lately in my own life and things have just taken over.

At work, my life has been a bit hectic, I have been moving companies (back to the company that tuped us out in the first place), it’s all happened so quickly and to be honest came out of the blue. I didnt know if my job was safe and now I know that my job role is changing, but I also have the opportunity to go up in my role… but I’m hoping that I’ve got enough confidence to go for it!!

Secondly, my mum has been seriously unwell.

Last week mid Tuesday morning around about 430am I heard the phone going off and I honestly thought “wtf is happening?” And my mum was screaming in pain.

2 hours later, she was was rushed off to hospital in an ambulance and I just didnt know what was going on. She was in incredible amount of pain, couldn’t unfortunately wee and her leg was numb. The NHS have been fucking amazing.

She ended up being transferred to a London hospital and had to have an emergency operation on her back, to remove some of her spine. We later discovered that if she didnt have operation, she would have been paralysed.

I’ve been very much stressed and the idea of doing a blog post or anything I just couldn’t be arsed. I was so incredibly tired and emotionally drained.

I do have some other shut going on but thats for another blog where I literally want to moan.

So that’s my update. Lol what have you been up to?