From you to me, what I have learnt

What I have learnt about myself during lockdown (3)

As part of my blog challenge, today’s post was to be titled “write something that someone told you about yourself that you never forget”, its a bit of a long title isn’t it so I thought I would narrow it down a bit.

This topic is quite an interesting one really and it made me think of the things that people have said about me and how those opinions may or may not have affected me.

Over the past few months I have noticed how people are quite blatant with their opinions of me. When I don’t know someone or am I’m a night out for example, I am quiet. Not because I’m scared to talk, but because I’m listening, I am gathering my opinions of these people who I am with and people seem to take some sort of offence to this.

Other options are with my close group of friends, maybe because I am too independent nowadays that I have different opinions. I am a positive person and I prefer to listen to others than to argue. I don’t do confrontation.

I thought I’d list (for my own personal mental state) the things that I have heard about myself from others lately. Some are nice for me to hear and some are in my opinion so wrong:

  • Nice
  • Boring
  • Quiet
  • Mute
  • Too responsible
  • Rude
  • Organised
  • Kind
  • Up tight
  • Cheeky
  • Funny
  • Dull

You will see that they are a mixture of words being used to describe me. Some are nice and some are just so wrong about me.

At the time I take it to heart, then give me a couple of hours I’m like this:

This is just an amazing quote. Why let others opinion determine how you feel about yourself. You know the true you, and the true personality.

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What I have learnt about myself during lockdown

What I have learnt about myself during lockdown

Oh hi there,

Lockdown has been a bit weird hasn’t it? A place where literally you cannot escape your own thoughts?  A place where you kinda have to get used to yourself, especially if you live alone.

I feel like I have learnt a lot about myself during this time and instead of blabbing them out to others, I thought I would write them down here. So, I apologise if it’s boring but you have no choice if you’re looking at this blog:

  • I have zero tolerance for bullshitters
  • I really don’t like clingy people
  • I am not keen on loud people
  • I am not keen on attention seekers
  • I find it really hard to talk to someone who is negative or straight faced a lot of the time
  • I don’t like it when people are sticking their nose in
  • I have a lot of patience when I want to, but when I am not in the mood my patience flies out of the window
  • I am not too happy being around people who think its “my way or no way”
  • I can do a lot more than I think I can do
  • I have got a lot of pride in myself
  • I can stick up for myself
  • It’s fucking okay to cry
  • I really don’t mind talking to strangers
  • I don’t like political talk
  • I get emotional at a lot of things
  • I don’t know what I want out of “love”
  • I think I’m going to have to wear glasses more
  • I really have respect for those who respect me
  • I bloody love a sunset
  • My friends children make me happy.

So yeah, there’s me.

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Take comfort in the known

So many people at the moment are living in the unknown, we don’t know when life will get back to normal, we don’t know when times will change or even if they will change?

Will life change dramatically like it did after 9/11? Will we change our ways now that we have learnt that this isolation marlarky is also helping the environment that we live in? Maybe not mentally (certainly not for me) but it is an interesting point.

There’s many of us out there, me included, who are often feeling that these times are quite overwhelming. They don’t know who to turn to, some people are even pitting their own experiences against each other to make theirs sound a lot worse than others. When really, we should all take comfort in the fact that we are all actually in this together.

Everyone I speak to at work has a different story, and I haven’t come across one the same as of yet. I find that quite comforting. You may be struggling but there will always be someone that you can talk to. Don’t feel like you have to dial into a group conversation everytime a message goes off, go at your pace. Don’t feel like you have to justify your emotions, you really don’t.

To me, whenever I am struggling or feeling a bit blue I will just look up at the nights sky and watch the night go by. I have just sat on my window ledge for the past near 2 hours just watching as the sky got darker and the stars shimmered through the clouds. There’s so much happiness from this in my eyes, as you may literally feel like you’re so alone but someone, somewhere out there is looking up at the moon or even exact star as you are.

Just promise me that during this time you:

  • look after yourself
  • do not apologise for your emotions
  • sleep as much as you can
  • look after your mental health
  • go for a walk, it doesn’t have to be daily it can be twice a week (that’s what I do)
  • keep in touch with family and friends. If you don’t have anyone, message me at my handle for social media – @loveyouandthem
  • finally never apologise for eating far too much chocolate and drinking too much gin.

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Honestly, its been tough month

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Anyone else finding it super hard at the moment? My mind just seems to be rushing and going into overdrive all of the time. I am finding it hard, I will admit it.

I have tried to be positive about the whole situation and to not stress or panic about it, but I think its now starting to really take affect and drain me.

It’s taken me a while to unmute my friends group chat, as its been constant stress, negativity and worry from them. I have tried to ignore it as I just don’t want to be in that mindset. I don’t want to feel that way, I want to try and carry on as normal.

I didn’t expect that my first month of living alone on my own, meant literally living alone. I have seen my parents twice in the past month, and I’m super close to them and its really hard, as I just want to hug them or invite them in for a cup of tea etc. Yes, you can call and video call all you like, but its not the same is it?

This past month I have had to grow up super quickly, and I am finding it quite hard to adjust. I can’t count the amount of times I have cried, or felt so lonely or not wanting to do anything. Bloody even crying now. I don’t think people will ever understand unless you are living alone in this situation, how lonely this is. It was fine the first couple of days, but not seeing any other human is so incredibly tough. The idea of not even having garden, and just escaping to get some air, or to watch the stars at night is just heartbreaking for me.

I work for the local council, and this disease has been all I have dealt with the past month. I have never worked so hard in my life, and to be honest I am glad, its kept my mind active.

I have found that over the past week, I have become more agitated with my friends. I am getting fed up with some suggesting “why don’t you just go for a walk?”, I am sorry that I just can’t sit in my garden like you. I have to go out and be around people who could potentially infect me with this fucking disease. Or how about “you’re lucky to be on your own!”, again fuck you. Do you know how much I would love to be talking to someone at night or during the day? Just to have that little bit of conversation? I can’t wait to go back to the office, just to see people.

I am also finding it super hard to sleep, not only because of all of the stress and worry. But as I said, I have just moved into somewhere where I do not know my neighbours or my surroundings, its just so weird. I am trying, to put a positive spin on it and I am so thankful for those friends have seen that I am struggling and are checking up on me. I am so grateful.

I saw a great post today on facebook and I thought do you know what, that’s it, its so right:93778587_10158309774071763_1458370310158942208_o

Point 4 really stood out for me, if you have been reading my blog for sometime, you know that my way to relax and focus on the good in this world is to look up at the stars. Something I would do when I’m stressed, or I just want to feel calm. When my nan passed away in August, I was sat outside looking at the stars when my mum called me to tell me the news. Yes, I was emotional but that sense of zen was overpowering.

We are all in this together, and I have to keep remembering that no matter how many times I feel lonely, we are all together in being lonely. It is all new for everyone, and none of us have experienced this situation before.

But I tell you what, when this is all lifted, I am going to stay with my parents for a good few days and I don’t care if it looks pathetic. My poor brain needs a little break.

How are you coping?

Thank you NHS

How amazing was tonight’s #clapforthenhs.

I just felt so emotional sticking my head out of the window, to hear so so so many people cheering, clapping, dogs barking, pots being banged etc. It was just amazing.

Thank you so much for all you do NHS and careworkers.

Thank you.