Him.

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I don’t know whether it is just me, I am sure it’s not but I can’t stop thinking about one boy. He is my one regret. Every night now for hours I havent been able to sleep because all I can do is think of him.

We used to be so close, to the point everyone wanted us to be together. One night we got very drunk and went to a different club and had a great night, just the 1 kiss.

I was seeing another guy at the time (NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP, literally 1 date!) and at the time I preferred this other guy. My friend H kept texting me saying he wishes there were more kisses etc (this was a few years ago). I started seeing this other boy, yes I now feel like an absolute twat. H phoned me out of the blue months later out with his girlfriend C and I said you should go talk to her, but again “I would prefer to talk to you”, each time something bad happens in his life he texts me. I said I didn’t have feelings for him because, okay have you seen the movie No Strings Attached, I cannot put into words how much this clip is my love life:

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Each time someone likes me and I did it with the guy I was dating as well, I find all the negative points about them and back myself away from that person. I don’t know whether its my exes fault because they all just dumped me with no reason because I thought they were great and nothing went wrong (in my eyes), I am just so scared.

So I am currently sat here alone feeling very sorry for myself, hating being single. Hating that I have now been single for 6 years. Hating that H is with C because I know and have been told by the person H told this too that he still really likes me. I am no way going to split up a relationship, back in November he tried to kiss me (he was extremely drunk), there’s always been that connection with me and him. But I know if I started dating him I would do this. If this C wasnt so horrible to me on this night out and didn’t make me cry because of the way she acted towards me, I don’t know if I would feel different.

Maybe I am just missing him as a friend, because he never responds to any texts now ie “hi how are you” (these texts are sent 1x every 2 months)

I just………….. im so fucked. Really sad post, I can’t get out my frustrations there are more.

I have tried online dating, but as soon as someone tries to talk to me, im like nope thats it – deleting the account lol.

Help 😦

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Why I have had a break from blogging *sad and long blog sorry*

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If you are a regular reader of my blog you may have noticed that I have not blogged in a while, it’s not because I have not had things to talk about – I always have things to talk about, but it’s because I just have been feeling really down lately – mentally and physically.

Mentally:

I absolutely cannot stand my job anymore, I hate going in the morning, I hate having all these new targets, I hate never being rewarded for all the good things you do and I hate how pinickity it has become. For example, my buses have been late ( I have made a formal complaint to the bus company ) which meant that I have been late more than 30 minutes IN TOTAL over 1 month. I cannot help it, I leave earlier and the buses are still late, I got a shitty email from my team leader stating it is “not acceptable” to be late, even being “3 minutes early” is not good enough………… This is a company who time you for how long you go to the toilet, who do not pay you after the shift finishes if you are stuck on a phone call, expects you to be there 10-15 minutes there before you start work to set up even though you don’t get paid for that. They expect you to meet these customer feed back service responses afterwards in which you rely on the general public to do (who pretty much most of the time put the phone down before you transfer), they never say anything positive, it’s always negative and when it is positive there is always a slight tinge of negativity. You try and work alongside the other departments and they think that you are below them and often put the phone down on you or don’t want to talk to the customer, which means that the customer then gets extremely annoyed and you have to deal with the brunt of it. Finally you are not allowed to be off ill more than 3 times in 6 months. As well as this, we got told the other day that we are not allowed to clock out at 5pm on the dot as it seems that we are waiting near the log off button – “Too fucking right!”, so my team mates rightly stated “if you are going to be this petty, what makes you think us the workers are going to not be” – there’s so going to be uproar soon. So you can see why I have become so stressed, anxious and just hating every minute at work at the moment.. there was even an email “inbetween calls can we please not talk about what clothes/dresses you will be wearing at the weekend” hmm……… so that tenses me all up =  Which lovingly leads me onto my physical….

Physical:

I have thoracic outlet syndrome, which if you do not know is the compression of your blood artery thingy lol and your nerve/bone. I have had an operation to release this within my neck, which has left me with scars that I hate (it looks like I have slashed my neck). I fell at Uni and I thought I had whiplash, went to the doctors due to my arm going blue and dead feeling after many different tests and the evaluation that when my arm was raised my pulse stopped in my left arm I was diagnosed with this. They stated after the operation that it could get better or it may come back.

It came back. It could be that I am working in a desk job and so far in the past 10 months I have been sent to hospital twice, one time people thought I had a stroke as the nerves affect from my head all the way to my toe. My face drops slightly, my shoulder becomes so painful, my back curves to the right and then with that I get sciatica in my left leg which means that I cannot walk properly. This has happened on so many occasions and my team leader once said to me “can you not stay and just use your right side”…… seriously no sympathy/empathy. I often loose grip in my left arm, it goes very heavy, pins and needles. At one point a few months ago I could not raise it higher than 90 degrees or move my neck to the right, I have had a small op to reduce the swelling but they cannot do more due to the scar tissue from first operation.

On Wednesday evening, I had a horrible scare. I came out of the shower and sat down on my bed, I physically could not move my body at all apart from my head. I could not lay back, put my legs out nothing, I had to mentally force myself to slam myself onto the bed sideways, I had half of my clothes on and I was forcing them up my body. I just felt ridiculous. After 5 minutes I had kinda “snailed” myself up to my pillow and thought fuck this I just need to sleep, I was hanging off the bed so uncomfortable but I couldnt move. My back kept going into spams, like it kept locking and I was not able to relax at all.

5’oclock came and my god I needed a pee haha, I tried to get up…….. my body was not moving, nothing was moving. I really needed to go to the toilet so again mentally I was like come on you need to get up!!! 5 minutes later, I sat up and had to pick up my legs to put them on the floor. Finally got to the loo, couldnt even get off it 😦 I just felt so sad. What is this life 😦 Got some of my mums meds and thought I am up in 2 hours for work how I am going to do this!

8 oclock came and I had been trying for 15 minutes to get out of bed, I was getting more and more frustrated and just started crying, crying so much. My body would not move at all apart from my arms and head. I knew I was going to be late for work and I live downstairs with my parents upstairs and I am not one often to cry for help but I actually had to ring the home phone to wake up my parents and just cried to my mum to come and get me out of bed. She ran downstairs not knowing what hell was going on, I have never been so scared and embarrassed. My mum had to grab my legs and twist my body onto the ground, I Was screaming in pain. It was like my whole body was frozen, she tried to pull me up and she did eventually. I stood up and nearly collapsed again. I had no idea what was going on, I rang work and kinda cried down the phone.

My worry:

Yep my worry was not only my whole body but I am now on my 3rd illness for work, can’t be off ill again for another 4/5 months. fucking ridiculous. My back is still not right 3 days later. I seriously think all the stress from work is having a huge affect on my body. I had a breakdown at work the other day and had a go at my supervisor and said how I have wanted to quit, so she is keeping an eye on me and yeah………..

that’s my life.

I am trying to be positive at the moment but just feel like crap.

Has anyone got ANYTHING positive that I can read?

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Just friends….or not

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Everyone I am sure in one point in their life has fallen for their friend, and I have been in this position for the past 2 years now. I put my feelings off and off and just thought “nah I can’t like him because I would rather be friends” etc etc and then I start to doubt myself and then it is too late.

I was dating this shit guy (shudders even thinking about it) and my friend (the one that likes me) took me out for a day visit etc and to be honest I really did not know that it was a date until I found out later on. Throughout the “date” lets call it lol it was weird, maybe he was trying to hard but he wasn’t being normal and I thought hey I do kinda like you but if it was just me and you all the time, would it be like this? As I had more interest in shittyguy I kinda glanced over my friend and didn’t see the signs.

We have kissed in the past and he still to this day remembers it 😉 haha jokes no it was very nice.

Anyway, I have this awful awful habit as soon as anyone who likes me gets close to me I back off and I hate it but I automatically do it and thats what happened with him, as shittyguy turned out to be not nice at all. I hid my feelings for so long and he expressed all of his feelings and I just felt awful, still to this day his friends have said that HE STILL likes me. I really do like him and I hate what I did, but now he is with a girlfriend…….. who hates me, probably because he has told her about me.

I am in no way ever ever ever going to break up a relationship never would I do that. But I have also lost a friend due to this girl, even my mutual friends with him agrees as she does not want him talking to anyone. But I would like to go on a date again.

This is what I was scared of, its definitely my fault – absolutely. It has ruined my friendship and I think about him everyday.

Have you been in that position where you are worried to lose your friend because of feelings, but seriously fuck it up.

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Love to love yourself….

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We all have those bad bits on our body which we hate, which we want to change and what we would rather not look at. So I thought I would just get it off my chest:

  • My Stomach
  • My Legs
  • My Neck
  • My Hair (trichotillomania sufferer)
  • My PCOS
  • My IBS
  • My TOS (thoracic outlet syndrome) along with a further trapped nerve and my scars on my neck
  • My anxiety.

BUT on the other hand, I should also love parts of me as I have to live with me all my life and it is up to me to change some of those things so – I like:

  • My Hair Colour
  • My Eyes
  • My smile
  • My patience
  • I am easy to get to know
  • I am relaxed
  • My height
  • My boobs haha!
  • My characteristics on my face
  • My confidence when I do not care.

Although we all hate ourselves some days and just want to hide away, someone else may love our bad bits. So learn to love each part of you.

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Must learn to relax.

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We all relax in different ways, some like to read a book, listen to music, do an activity, see their friends, be busy or just sit in an empty room (whatever floats your boat). One of the ways I like to relax is to just not be involved within technology and social media at all, turning off my phone – logging off twitter/facebook etc and just having “me” time.

I have two websites which I use often, one for relaxation purposes and the other when I am feeling absolutely rubbish about myself – both of these links I have now put on my blog so please if you ever feel down or anxiety issues are raised please check it out. I promise you it will help you!

If they don’t, you have tried.

The links are:

“Do Nothing for 2 mins”

“My Quiet Place”

“Those rainy days”

I really do hope that they help just one person out there, if it is only that one person and if it is you – let me know.

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