If you are a regular reader of my blog you may have noticed that I have not blogged in a while, it’s not because I have not had things to talk about – I always have things to talk about, but it’s because I just have been feeling really down lately – mentally and physically.
I absolutely cannot stand my job anymore, I hate going in the morning, I hate having all these new targets, I hate never being rewarded for all the good things you do and I hate how pinickity it has become. For example, my buses have been late ( I have made a formal complaint to the bus company ) which meant that I have been late more than 30 minutes IN TOTAL over 1 month. I cannot help it, I leave earlier and the buses are still late, I got a shitty email from my team leader stating it is “not acceptable” to be late, even being “3 minutes early” is not good enough………… This is a company who time you for how long you go to the toilet, who do not pay you after the shift finishes if you are stuck on a phone call, expects you to be there 10-15 minutes there before you start work to set up even though you don’t get paid for that. They expect you to meet these customer feed back service responses afterwards in which you rely on the general public to do (who pretty much most of the time put the phone down before you transfer), they never say anything positive, it’s always negative and when it is positive there is always a slight tinge of negativity. You try and work alongside the other departments and they think that you are below them and often put the phone down on you or don’t want to talk to the customer, which means that the customer then gets extremely annoyed and you have to deal with the brunt of it. Finally you are not allowed to be off ill more than 3 times in 6 months. As well as this, we got told the other day that we are not allowed to clock out at 5pm on the dot as it seems that we are waiting near the log off button – “Too fucking right!”, so my team mates rightly stated “if you are going to be this petty, what makes you think us the workers are going to not be” – there’s so going to be uproar soon. So you can see why I have become so stressed, anxious and just hating every minute at work at the moment.. there was even an email “inbetween calls can we please not talk about what clothes/dresses you will be wearing at the weekend” hmm……… so that tenses me all up = Which lovingly leads me onto my physical….
I have thoracic outlet syndrome, which if you do not know is the compression of your blood artery thingy lol and your nerve/bone. I have had an operation to release this within my neck, which has left me with scars that I hate (it looks like I have slashed my neck). I fell at Uni and I thought I had whiplash, went to the doctors due to my arm going blue and dead feeling after many different tests and the evaluation that when my arm was raised my pulse stopped in my left arm I was diagnosed with this. They stated after the operation that it could get better or it may come back.
It came back. It could be that I am working in a desk job and so far in the past 10 months I have been sent to hospital twice, one time people thought I had a stroke as the nerves affect from my head all the way to my toe. My face drops slightly, my shoulder becomes so painful, my back curves to the right and then with that I get sciatica in my left leg which means that I cannot walk properly. This has happened on so many occasions and my team leader once said to me “can you not stay and just use your right side”…… seriously no sympathy/empathy. I often loose grip in my left arm, it goes very heavy, pins and needles. At one point a few months ago I could not raise it higher than 90 degrees or move my neck to the right, I have had a small op to reduce the swelling but they cannot do more due to the scar tissue from first operation.
On Wednesday evening, I had a horrible scare. I came out of the shower and sat down on my bed, I physically could not move my body at all apart from my head. I could not lay back, put my legs out nothing, I had to mentally force myself to slam myself onto the bed sideways, I had half of my clothes on and I was forcing them up my body. I just felt ridiculous. After 5 minutes I had kinda “snailed” myself up to my pillow and thought fuck this I just need to sleep, I was hanging off the bed so uncomfortable but I couldnt move. My back kept going into spams, like it kept locking and I was not able to relax at all.
5’oclock came and my god I needed a pee haha, I tried to get up…….. my body was not moving, nothing was moving. I really needed to go to the toilet so again mentally I was like come on you need to get up!!! 5 minutes later, I sat up and had to pick up my legs to put them on the floor. Finally got to the loo, couldnt even get off it 😦 I just felt so sad. What is this life 😦 Got some of my mums meds and thought I am up in 2 hours for work how I am going to do this!
8 oclock came and I had been trying for 15 minutes to get out of bed, I was getting more and more frustrated and just started crying, crying so much. My body would not move at all apart from my arms and head. I knew I was going to be late for work and I live downstairs with my parents upstairs and I am not one often to cry for help but I actually had to ring the home phone to wake up my parents and just cried to my mum to come and get me out of bed. She ran downstairs not knowing what hell was going on, I have never been so scared and embarrassed. My mum had to grab my legs and twist my body onto the ground, I Was screaming in pain. It was like my whole body was frozen, she tried to pull me up and she did eventually. I stood up and nearly collapsed again. I had no idea what was going on, I rang work and kinda cried down the phone.
Yep my worry was not only my whole body but I am now on my 3rd illness for work, can’t be off ill again for another 4/5 months. fucking ridiculous. My back is still not right 3 days later. I seriously think all the stress from work is having a huge affect on my body. I had a breakdown at work the other day and had a go at my supervisor and said how I have wanted to quit, so she is keeping an eye on me and yeah………..
that’s my life.
I am trying to be positive at the moment but just feel like crap.
Has anyone got ANYTHING positive that I can read?