No flower today, I apologise readers just blame my lack of Funds until Wednesday. This post today is more about what I am thinking and feeling, I tend to be someone who does not express emotions enough and when someone likes me I block them out and I instantly regret it. I hate the way I become and I don’t know how to change it, I have tried. I therefore thought I would offload for my own saneness really as well as if anyone else as been in this position. Please bare with me (by the way is it bear with me, or bare with me)……
Everyone I am sure in one point in their life has fallen for their friend, and I have been in this position for the past 2 years now. I put my feelings off and off and just thought “nah I can’t like him because I would rather be friends” etc etc and then I start to doubt myself and then it is too late.
I was dating this shit guy (shudders even thinking about it) and my friend (the one that likes me) took me out for a day visit etc and to be honest I really did not know that it was a date until I found out later on. Throughout the “date” lets call it lol it was weird, maybe he was trying to hard but he wasn’t being normal and I thought hey I do kinda like you but if it was just me and you all the time, would it be like this? As I had more interest in shittyguy I kinda glanced over my friend and didn’t see the signs.
We have kissed in the past and he still to this day remembers it 😉 haha jokes no it was very nice.
Anyway, I have this awful awful habit as soon as anyone who likes me gets close to me I back off and I hate it but I automatically do it and thats what happened with him, as shittyguy turned out to be not nice at all. I hid my feelings for so long and he expressed all of his feelings and I just felt awful, still to this day his friends have said that HE STILL likes me. I really do like him and I hate what I did, but now he is with a girlfriend…….. who hates me, probably because he has told her about me.
I am in no way ever ever ever going to break up a relationship never would I do that. But I have also lost a friend due to this girl, even my mutual friends with him agrees as she does not want him talking to anyone. But I would like to go on a date again.
This is what I was scared of, its definitely my fault – absolutely. It has ruined my friendship and I think about him everyday.
Have you been in that position where you are worried to lose your friend because of feelings, but seriously fuck it up.
Think of your biggest day yet, what if that never happened, what if your path of life changed? Would you be the same person, would you still have the same friends and what would your life be like now?
Just have a think about that for a moment, we all lead the lives we lead – some plan them, some take life for a ride and some go with the flow. But what if the biggest day never happened for you, for example:
Imagine if you didn’t get the grades you had to get to go to the University you wanted, you would have gone to your 2nd or 3rd choice – you would have met different people, maybe led a different social life, may or may not have met the love of your life and you may have done a different course. After that would your life be different?
Question for you, if you have never met your closest friends you have now – do you honestly think that you would be friends with those people now? Would you have the same opinions, dislike the same people and the same things?
Strange to think isn’t it, but life is fitted for us. We of course can try to change the way we lead life, sure there will always be options on the way such as a simple “ill go for a walk instead of the bus or I will go for that drink with that person” – we are all unique but we are all the same as well.
Welcome to my life.
So I have been single for nearly 6 years now, bugger.
I have been on dates and I talk to boys/men whatever you want to classify them as, but as soon as it starts to get into “do you want to go on a date phase” or they say that they are interested I basically really back off.
What’s wrong!! I want to be in a relationship, but I just have this absolute fear of doing going further. It’s really getting to me now and I do not want to be someone who ends up on their own.
Welcome to 2014, let’s hope it rocks.
So I started off my new year with my mum painting my nails, watching rubbish tv and bed as soon as it turned to midnight as I had to go to work the next day. Hello Cinderella.
I have actually no idea why I chose to work New Year apart from the extra money, it caused me so much stress which I did not need to start the year.
But on a positive note, 2 days ago I celebrated my 25th birthday. Lol definitely sucks to have everything all together, thats it now until Easter. I doubt I will have a valentines day, so bring on more chocolate (seriously I could open up a chocolate shop with all the treats over the xmas and birthday time!). Fatty boom boom!
I made a 2013 memory jar and I decided to open it up on January 2nd and wow I was shocked as to what I had actually been through!! Some of the highlights is my Nan (who is also 80 on my birthday – yay go her!) beat cancer, my Mum found out she didnt have breast cancer, I have had a number of job interviews and it just seemed positive. Well I wanted to think that.
I put it on facebook and haha, it seems that everyone is now tagging me in photos of the jar idea as they all thought I came up with it. Clearly I spend too much time on pinterest.com haha oh dear! But I am definitely making another one up.
Anyway 2014, what do I want to happen:
– to buy a car
– to have a boyfriend
– to have a job in which I don’t dread going into every morning
– to have enough money to move out.
what I think will happen:
– I will still be sharing my mums car
– I will be still single
– I will still be stuck in the same job hating it more and going for interviews but getting frustrated
– I will be as poor as ever.
but…………. I am trying to change, so we shall see.
Anyway – Happy New Year.