I wasn’t ever ready to say goodbye


Adobe_Post_20190815_211035-01Hi my lovelies, I hope that you are well…

I seem to have come full circle as to the purpose of this blog. I first started it many years ago, as I was going through counselling to help me with my grieving of my lovely Nan. I didn’t know what to do with my emotions and how to speak with people, but ever since having this blog and a bit of anonymity via my twitter, I have been able to speak my mind. Now, whether you listen or not is another thing but in my head you are all helping me.

For nearly 1 year now, my lovely other Nan has been deeply unwell with cancer and she took the decision a few months back to state that she did not want any help, and we had to learn to respect that decision – you can read my thoughts about this here –  so in my head I have been grieving for sometime now.

Continue reading “I wasn’t ever ready to say goodbye”

Love your Grandparents.

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I am writing this post really openly from the heart, over the next few days will be the 3rd anniversary of my Nan’s death. My Nan was my absolute world, she was there for me when I was down, when I was happy and looked after me when I was young. She was and still is in my eyes one of my favourite people ever. She would always brighten up the room and was loved by many.

My nan was a strong independent funny lady and when we found out a few days before her birthday that she had oesophagus cancer my world turned and flipped upside down. Her decline was quick and she passed away within 3 months.

I to this day remember the heartbreak that I suffered, my Mum and Dad were visiting her in hospital over a number of days. I had seen her before Christmas and she was very jolly and joking with me as much as I remember her, the last time I spoke to her was on the telephone were she demanded I got her out of hospital. I felt awful that I couldn’t help but I knew she was in the best place. Anyway, my parents had come back to pick up some things, and literally as soon as they got in  they received a phone call saying you will need to come back – we live 2 and a half hours away from the hospital. Unfortunately she passed away half an hour before my mum could see her.

I was at home alone and my Dad rang me, I cant even remember what he told me but I just remember crying and screaming, whilst falling to my knees.. I had never felt anything like it before. I couldn’t breathe properly and all I wanted was for someone to hug me. My mums best friend had been informed beforehand and she was driving around to see me, as soon as she saw me she came running up to me and gave me the biggest hug. This day is rarely talked about in my family. I had to tell my brother straight away so we went around to his work place, he was serving and all I did was just go into the work place and he ran towards me. I didn’t say anything he knew.

Absolutely horrible feeling & I want to forget the day but I cannot.

My Grampa passed away when I was 9 and I cannot remember much and my other Grandfather passed away through cancer whilst the family were on holiday. Another horrible evening.

The moral of this story is, please for the love of god and

I cannot express into words how much you should care and love your grandparents as they’re not here forever, they can be your best friend, your support and they will always love you. Look after them as they looked after you.

Sorry that this is such a sad post but I thought I would have to write it.


We are lucky and we do not know it.

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We are so lucky with our friends and family we do not even know it:

Part of my job over the past months have entailed listening to people going through their complaints about their life. I sometimes take emergency social services calls. Of course I will not go into particular calls as that just isnt correct at all. But it has made me realise as to how lucky I am, sometimes when I am feeling down or I think my parents are so unfair – I think of the children’s cases in which I have listened to and had to write about.

It sickens me to think that some people are out there.

I know that this is not my usual type of blog, but it just aggravates me to think that some people take their family and friends for guarantee. We aren’t ones that are being physically and emotionally abused.

I have had as you can tell a rubbish week and that’s why I have not been updating as much.

Two close family friends have passed away in the space of 5 days and I am just emotionally drained. I cannot deal with death well (to be honest who can), but I take death registration calls everyday and yet personal deaths I can cry for ages.

My Nan passed away in 2011 and it was pretty much the worst day of my life, I remember falling to my knees crying my heart out when my Dad told me over the phone. Then having to go to my brother’s work and to tell him, I didnt even say anything but he just saw me and ran towards me ( i think he was even serving someone at work at the time lol) but to this day I feel sick when I think about that day, I still cry when I think about her. Death just no.

Argh, horrible post horrible post. Next post will be nice – I promise.