Love.Friendship.Thoughts

604baa3a841d45c00eb415553e417c33First of all I have just watched the magnificent Breakfast at Tiffany’s for the first time and wow, why and how have I not watched it before. I can see so much of me in her, its ridiculous. But it also taught me a life lesson, which was simply said by “Fred”:

You know what’s wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You’re chicken, you’ve got no guts. You’re afraid to stick out your chin and say, “Okay, life’s a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that’s the only chance anybody’s got for real happiness.” You call yourself a free spirit, a “wild thing,” and you’re terrified somebody’s gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you’re already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it’s not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It’s wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.”

I am forever terrified that someone is going to stick me in a cage, not allow me to be free and to not allow that chance for such happiness. I know what I want and who I want, but I missed out on those chances and now I am the one unhappy.

One of my biggest thought issues, which not only has been this week but has been for many months is the “what if?” What if drives me insane, it worsens my anxiety and it worsen the future thoughts as well. I am not one to jump into something, I like to think a lot before I do things. But the downside of waiting too long, is that the more time you wait, the more time you start to think of the negatives of that “thing”.

My girl friends know the real me, but don’t at the same time. I listen to them being very happy in their relationships and also the downsides. I listen to those who are single and sleeping with this man and that man etc but that’s just not me. I want someone to like me for me and men/boys have, but as soon as they say they like me… its like nooooooooo back off!!

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Films like No Strings Attached and Friends with Benefits have although some serious strong same storylines (1 lots of S’s there lol, 2 why brings these two films out at the same time I will never know), but these films struck accord with me. No I am not gonna go around sleeping with lots of people but its the girl’s attitudes that got to me. The quote above, is exactly what I described earlier and I do do that.

**my own therapy post here ** it’s because of your stupid exes, if they weren’t so much of a dick (whether they be literally small lol *sniggers*) then you would be fine with relationships now and people liking you, go for it!! ** back to the post**
In the past, I have had two of my close boy friends both like me, but I have always looked at the negatives ie:
– ruin the friendship
But what else is there really to lose:
– it either doesn’t work and you don’t talk **shudders at the thought**
– it does not work out but you act mature and you still keep your friendship
– you’ve found your soul mate.
One of these boy friends has just become newly single and all my friends were so excited, including the family and if you had asked me years ago if I had liked him, I would have said “yes, thank god he is now single, its my time!” LOL well not so brash as that. But I do not have any of those feelings, I don’t even want to kiss him. But the other friend, I just want to tell him ** breathes in this is a big moment **
 I did like you, I still do like you and I was just so scared and I am so sorry that I pushed you away, I think about it every day. 
 
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Maybe I can end up like having a relationship like these two. Maybe he is my lobster. Or maybe I am just wasting my time and I should move on.
Why is love or the thought of love so scary, but yet so addictive to want to have and to know and to need. It’s a crave that we all desire, it’s an addiction that we all want, but yet some of us are so scared of it, that in the end we may lose out on the best love.
It definitely made more sense to me, when I see posts of happiness on Facebook, when people are moving on with their lives etc. I know that if this boy does go that step further and possibly get married, I will feel like Rachel when Ross goes to marry Emily.
I know a bit much of a deeper post than usual, but that’s whats been going on in my life this week 🙂
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One night can change your family – family life.

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I once said on this blog that I wouldn’t get too personal, but I think this type of post allows me to reach out to others and to not mention everything about my life. My Dad is and still is one of my most loved people in my life, he is along with of course my brother the only man that I can trust, always there for me and always wanting to help – I am a Daddy’s girl. I know that there are people out there who’s Father have unfortunately passed away and I am deeply sorry for that, my Dad hasn’t but a part of him has. My Dad was and will say was now, – he was one of the biggest sales accounts manager for a particular company in the UK and Europe, he had the life, the money and he loved his job, but everything changed in 2012. I am sorry this is a long blog but I just wanted to put this out there as a first point of opinion.

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I think it was around 4am in the morning and my Mum came running into my room to say that Dad had been in an accident, that Nan had rang to say he is currently in hospital. My Mum had received two calls previously for someone asking to speak to “another named person”, she kept saying that she does not live here you have the wrong phone number. Now of course this is really concerning at 4am in the morning, it got to the point this lady rang and woke up my then 78 year old Nan at home 2 hours away from us, she rang my mum to say you need to ring this number and find out what’s happening as soon as possible. I have never seen my Mum so scared she was shaking, she rang Cardiff Hospital (we live in Kent) as my Dad had been visiting a friend. He had had a fall down the stairs and had fractured his skull with a bleed on the brain and mum needed to get there as soon as possible. Trying to calm my mum down whilst thinking sh*t to myself was scary, I therefore had to ring my mums best friend for her to come around and help, as we dont live near any of our family it’s hard. Mum got on the first train to Cardiff, booked in to a hotel and it was up to me and my brother to look after ourselves.

My Dad’s work at the time were amazing, they took all payments for transport and the hotel. My mum was in Cardiff for 2 weeks on her own, of course some family members went to see her including my Dad’s brother who hasn’t spoken to us in years, Nan and family friends who live in Wales. She was so lonely and I really felt for her.

The first images that I saw of my Dad were sent via phone and I was so shocked and it still alarms me today as to what he looked like, his eye was completely large and unopened and black. I was then sent a video message in which it didn’t sound like my Dad at all, he still had a bit of humour but this was days after his head injury. He was in intensive care.

Mum had told me days later that, he first did not recognise her when she entered the room (how saddening is that of a 20 year marriage), he forgot his children’s names and he thought he was at work. Security guards were on hand all the time around him as he was a threat to himself, because he kept trying to escape.

I had in the first few days kept a little diary as to what we went through as a family, he hardly ate for the first few days – was constantly asleep, like I said did not know any of his family member names which was heartbreaking. He kept trying to escape and thought the nurses worked for him asking them to keep getting the reports lol.

His injury was that a fracture of the skull from one side of his forehead to the other ear, a bleed on the brain – this all happened by falling down 2 steps and hitting his head 4 times on the way which rattled his brain.

It took 2 weeks for him to leave Cardiff and he was sent to the local hospital down here – again he was in a room where security guards were there. IT was so upsetting to be a legal witness for declaration to sign him for the Mental Health Act. I think the funniest and strangest time as a smoker, he used to go around the gardens and instead of smoking, he thought his cigarette was his toothbrush and he would brush his teeth in the open. I was like what has happened to my Dad, he kept forgetting things, he couldn’t read properly and his taste has changed.

A week later, he was sent to a rehab unit and was there for I believe 5 weeks – he hated it there. I could see his progression, the best day was when his work colleagues went to see him and his face lit up and he went back into work mode. The worst day was when I saw him crying, I have never seen my Dad cry before and it’s even emotional now thinking about it. He begged for us to take him with us home and it was the worst thing leaving him there, my Mum travelled over an hour each night to go visit him and I saw him when I could. In the end my Mum became ill from stress and I said quite sternly and Im glad I did in the end –  enoughs enough Mum, Dad knows you love him but you can’t see him every night its exhausting for you. I had to have a quiet word with him when he was better and he understood and finally Mum went to see him every 2/3 days. In rehab he learnt how to walk again, shower, read, and engage with people again. He left there and things have changed……………

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It took weeks for him to get back into driving, of course we were really worried the first time he drove independently but small steps. His sense of smell has gone, he has no patience any more whatsoever and gets angry more often. His memory is still bad but has got a lot better, for example when he first came back home for a visit, he didn’t know how to turn on a computer. We have all over the house now memory pads which he has to write down everything so he can remember. He often when he gets frustrated grabs his head. He cannot remember anything from the night and it’s just so scary.

But I think the biggest thing is his work – his work pushed him out, as his patience became less I am not sure that his work could understand what was happening. The two colleagues that came to see him on their days off were told off!! As well as this he was pushed out of his job, he was made to feel like he should not be there, every idea he put across his manager took for his own credit and they finally put him up for redundancy.

This man, was one of the biggest salesmen in the UK he sold millions of pounds worth of orders some of the buildings you see around for the London 2012 he sold the products for that.

But now he cannot get a job, no one will recruit him because he is in his mid 50’s.

I really do miss my old Dad, Ii really do get frustrated sometimes when he doesn’t remember the things that I tell him but I have to each time remember that he has had this accident. My Mum contacted Olympian James Cracknell’s wife through Twitter as her book touched a nerve with my Mum as she has gone through the same thing.

I know my Dad is still there, he’s coming back, his sense of smell is coming back, his memory is getting better – but there are some things that are getting worse (could also be down to age! :P)

Like I said this is a bit more personal this blog and it’s a bit of a sad one – but on a positive note, my Dad is still here and I love him dearly.

All I will say is you never know what is around the corner, love your family, love your friends as much as you can.


**  UPDATE 13.06.2015

2 years later, my Dad still cant smell, he finally has a new job, working with my Mum, his patience can be a little thin and he likes things to be regimented and he still cant remember what happened that night.

My Mum told me only the other day how she kept a lot of things from me and my brother about what she saw in the hospital, I know full well that if the fracture was just 1mml away he wouldn’t be here today and I know after watching programmes on Brain injuries, it could have been a lot worse. So I am ever so thankful each and every day

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Jealousy is a horrible trait girls.

I am sure that boys/men lol the opposite sex lets say do not often get jealous, I am sure they do but not as much as girls/women. Okay for the blog purpose it’ll be girls and boys can’t be dealing with all the faff of the lovely “/” symbol.

Jealousy is a horrible trait, it can make you feel shit about yourself, it can make you want to change yourself when you should accept yourself and it can also make you lose friends, gain fake friends and also make enemies.

There are different types of jealousy good and bad of course:

The Work – I am jealous of their promotion, I am jealous of the way they work, I am jealous of the money that they receive and I am jealous of their lifestyle that comes with their job. OF course some of these can also play a big part in pushing yourself forward to gain that promotion, to learn new skills etc – but if it starts to take over your life and changes the way your out of work lifestyle will be, take a sit back, relax and think what do you deserve more and what makes you happy.

The Relationship – Whether it will be the ex partner and you’re jealous of the new partner of them, or whether you are jealous of other relationships because you are the single one, or you’re in an unhappy relationship – this will always bring issues. I personally cannot stand girls in relationships who are jealous of their partners “girl” friends, they are the worst type, when they are insecure little girls. Use the positives to any advantages though, if you’re not happy in a relationship then see why you are unhappy and chose what to do about that.

The Friendship – This can be if someone is more popular than you, they could be getting more attention or again their lifestyle (you cannot keep up with their spending money, days out etc). I have been in the position of the jealous friend, we were a threesome of friends and this one particular girl just turned on me because me and the other girl were getting closer but that’s only because of circumstances. It made for awful days at school (but then again school can be the worst place for friendships – friendships aren’t often carried through life from school). If you do become in these situations truly think who your true friends are.

Life & comparisons – I am bigger than that girl, I am smaller than that girl, I have awful fashion sense compared, she is prettier than me, I have less money etc etc. You will get to the stage of jealousy in which you feel uncomfortable about yourself and you will feel weaker and there is no need to do that. You are you, you are beautiful and you are precious, individual and were put on this earth to not be a copy cat.