I am happy.

9641792f071aedfb52d4aa5fd7e6c06fIsn’t it weird how sometimes you really just have to take a step back, breathe, think about things and think “fuck it move on”.

1 month today my life changed.

I have been in a new job for the past month now and literally each day I have not come back home once with an unhappy face, I am not stressed and weirdly enough I really don’t mind going to work…. It’s such a strange feeling.

Continue reading “I am happy.”

My Day – 16*04*2014

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Hello lovely lot! I hope that you are well, if you are a follower//reader of this strange blog then you will know that I have not been well for the past 3 weeks and have been off sick. Today I took the day off work after being back 1 day (yes I know) for a whole day of seeing medics. I am mentally and physically exhausted, and I need to have a breakdown somewhere – so I thought where is best – my blog.

My day started off this morning feeling absolutely sick, I have the beaut that is IBS so I was constantly feeling sick and just wanting to be around a toilet lol I was on edge. Today my day was 11:10 – doctors for blood tests for my back – 11:45 – interview for a new job in a clinic – 3 – first physio appointment for my back. As you can see it is a proper medical day including an interview in a medical place 😛

Anyway, I was running late due to feeling shit with my nerves for the interview – I knew that my Doctors are absolutely crap for being on time and it’s cutting it fine with the time difference. The nurse was 10 minutes late, my legs were starting to shake. Got in there and she said did the Doctor tell you that this is a fasting blood test……

I think my face said it all, I love this Nurse she literally says how she and the patients feel. I said I highly disliked the Dr I saw, he never said anything about that – he was more interested in fixing his computer, he took calls and never apologised for taking them and was fixated on my neck in which I have had an operation for than my back. Rant out of the way, NHS Doctors can sometimes be amazing such as other Dr who reads up on your previous notes and knows your background before you see her! Amaaaazing!! Anyway, as soon as I said that I had an interview within the next 10 minutes, I don’t think she or anyone has ever found my vein so quickly – I must have been mega stressed!! My bruise is huge though, not the best thing as it looks like I have had a punch up on my elbow!! Luckily I had not had any food for 12 hours so phew as well, that’s happened before as well!)

Came out seeing the nurse and my mum was faffing about OMG you have a hole in your skirt, you can’t go to the interview like that!! (btw my mum took me because I can’t drive at the moment because of meds, not because im 12! ), she was stressing me out more than the interview and I know I know she was just being motherly. So I hike up the tights until I am not breathing and the hole is covered by my dress, there’s always girls haha!

Got to the location and the interview email said go to the reception……….. there was 2 receptions. I was like again:

 

Which one do I go in.. Podiatry or Childrens Services, my brain thought (you’ve lived with 3 podiatrists go there you’ll be safe) haha yes that’s what my brain thought. Sat down and the lady said take a seat, I was 5 minutes early. TWENTY MINUTES LATER this lady comes up to me and said “you don’t look very happy” and my reply was haha “I’ve been sat here waiting for some time for an interview” her response “oh, god we thought you didn’t turn up you were meant to go to the other entrance”………

So with a fake smile, I went with the board of directors to the interview and sat down and met up with the manager of the department. I was told to do two typing exercises, one to write up a letter which the header was already in place and another to put dealings in urgent orders etc. Anyway, go onto the computer and the previous applicants letter was on the template. The lady took over and spent another 10 minutes on the computer trying to fix it, in the end I was helping her out! Finally sat down did the letter and I was weirdly addressing it to the company I work for now!! Whaaaaaaaaaaat. Next was the interview stage, in front of 3 people (the lovely manager who I met first, the lady who I was with flipped personalities lol and a young lady) and the questions came at me galore. I felt comfortable then she asked me……. how would you define Diversity in a work place? I was like FUCK, all that was going through my head was:

(btw not my post, so gorgeously tacky) but yes all I could think of was Ashley Banjo and how gorgeous he is in Diversity. I just completely went blank and it was so embarrassing. Ending up at the end making a point of going out the “correct door” and I was on my way. The job itself is an admin role for children’s services and I will be told in the next 2 days, I am still humming and harring about it. I really want to get out of my job, but whilst I was waiting 20 minutes, all I could hear was the other staff slagging off the fact that they are recruiting new staff. Really not the best thing you need to hear before an interview.

So time passed – Morrisons – Lunch – by the time I got back it was off again to physio……. I am used to physio with my shoulder/neck situation and was met by this lovely lady who did a lot of tests on me. It turns out I have the same disability as my brother – Hypermobility. I am hyper mobile in which my muscles etc over flex and my body should not be doing that, so I have a lot of exercises to do, but basically it’s gonna take me a long time to get better.

I don’t know about anyone else but does anyone else always have just the one side of my body that goes wrong, mine is always my left. It’s only been my right once in my life and thats because someone STOOD on my wrist in a game on netball.

Anyway, I sat back in the car…. after feeling absolutely probed, mentally and physically. I am exhausted from today. I feel fine about the hypermobility as my brother has it and I am used to what he goes through, knew it was hereditary. But it’s just another thing to add to the list which is wrong with me.

So an apple a day keeps the Doctor away and I hope I don’t feel this ill again in a long time.

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Why I have had a break from blogging *sad and long blog sorry*

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If you are a regular reader of my blog you may have noticed that I have not blogged in a while, it’s not because I have not had things to talk about – I always have things to talk about, but it’s because I just have been feeling really down lately – mentally and physically.

Mentally:

I absolutely cannot stand my job anymore, I hate going in the morning, I hate having all these new targets, I hate never being rewarded for all the good things you do and I hate how pinickity it has become. For example, my buses have been late ( I have made a formal complaint to the bus company ) which meant that I have been late more than 30 minutes IN TOTAL over 1 month. I cannot help it, I leave earlier and the buses are still late, I got a shitty email from my team leader stating it is “not acceptable” to be late, even being “3 minutes early” is not good enough………… This is a company who time you for how long you go to the toilet, who do not pay you after the shift finishes if you are stuck on a phone call, expects you to be there 10-15 minutes there before you start work to set up even though you don’t get paid for that. They expect you to meet these customer feed back service responses afterwards in which you rely on the general public to do (who pretty much most of the time put the phone down before you transfer), they never say anything positive, it’s always negative and when it is positive there is always a slight tinge of negativity. You try and work alongside the other departments and they think that you are below them and often put the phone down on you or don’t want to talk to the customer, which means that the customer then gets extremely annoyed and you have to deal with the brunt of it. Finally you are not allowed to be off ill more than 3 times in 6 months. As well as this, we got told the other day that we are not allowed to clock out at 5pm on the dot as it seems that we are waiting near the log off button – “Too fucking right!”, so my team mates rightly stated “if you are going to be this petty, what makes you think us the workers are going to not be” – there’s so going to be uproar soon. So you can see why I have become so stressed, anxious and just hating every minute at work at the moment.. there was even an email “inbetween calls can we please not talk about what clothes/dresses you will be wearing at the weekend” hmm……… so that tenses me all up =  Which lovingly leads me onto my physical….

Physical:

I have thoracic outlet syndrome, which if you do not know is the compression of your blood artery thingy lol and your nerve/bone. I have had an operation to release this within my neck, which has left me with scars that I hate (it looks like I have slashed my neck). I fell at Uni and I thought I had whiplash, went to the doctors due to my arm going blue and dead feeling after many different tests and the evaluation that when my arm was raised my pulse stopped in my left arm I was diagnosed with this. They stated after the operation that it could get better or it may come back.

It came back. It could be that I am working in a desk job and so far in the past 10 months I have been sent to hospital twice, one time people thought I had a stroke as the nerves affect from my head all the way to my toe. My face drops slightly, my shoulder becomes so painful, my back curves to the right and then with that I get sciatica in my left leg which means that I cannot walk properly. This has happened on so many occasions and my team leader once said to me “can you not stay and just use your right side”…… seriously no sympathy/empathy. I often loose grip in my left arm, it goes very heavy, pins and needles. At one point a few months ago I could not raise it higher than 90 degrees or move my neck to the right, I have had a small op to reduce the swelling but they cannot do more due to the scar tissue from first operation.

On Wednesday evening, I had a horrible scare. I came out of the shower and sat down on my bed, I physically could not move my body at all apart from my head. I could not lay back, put my legs out nothing, I had to mentally force myself to slam myself onto the bed sideways, I had half of my clothes on and I was forcing them up my body. I just felt ridiculous. After 5 minutes I had kinda “snailed” myself up to my pillow and thought fuck this I just need to sleep, I was hanging off the bed so uncomfortable but I couldnt move. My back kept going into spams, like it kept locking and I was not able to relax at all.

5’oclock came and my god I needed a pee haha, I tried to get up…….. my body was not moving, nothing was moving. I really needed to go to the toilet so again mentally I was like come on you need to get up!!! 5 minutes later, I sat up and had to pick up my legs to put them on the floor. Finally got to the loo, couldnt even get off it 😦 I just felt so sad. What is this life 😦 Got some of my mums meds and thought I am up in 2 hours for work how I am going to do this!

8 oclock came and I had been trying for 15 minutes to get out of bed, I was getting more and more frustrated and just started crying, crying so much. My body would not move at all apart from my arms and head. I knew I was going to be late for work and I live downstairs with my parents upstairs and I am not one often to cry for help but I actually had to ring the home phone to wake up my parents and just cried to my mum to come and get me out of bed. She ran downstairs not knowing what hell was going on, I have never been so scared and embarrassed. My mum had to grab my legs and twist my body onto the ground, I Was screaming in pain. It was like my whole body was frozen, she tried to pull me up and she did eventually. I stood up and nearly collapsed again. I had no idea what was going on, I rang work and kinda cried down the phone.

My worry:

Yep my worry was not only my whole body but I am now on my 3rd illness for work, can’t be off ill again for another 4/5 months. fucking ridiculous. My back is still not right 3 days later. I seriously think all the stress from work is having a huge affect on my body. I had a breakdown at work the other day and had a go at my supervisor and said how I have wanted to quit, so she is keeping an eye on me and yeah………..

that’s my life.

I am trying to be positive at the moment but just feel like crap.

Has anyone got ANYTHING positive that I can read?

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Trying to eat healthy.

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Eurgh I am definitely the heaviest I have ever been and with Greece holiday coming up in July this stomach needs to go!! QUICK!! I am finding it very hard so tips and tricks would be amazing, I cant do anything strenuous as my neck and nerves are messed up – which means that I wouldnt be able to move my left side (wonderful I know!!)

So I am trying to do more walking, getting into walking faster haha – lots more water, I am trying more smoothies in which my favourites definitely have to be:

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God these are amazing, I have only tried the green one and the berry one so far as they are not as big in the UK at the moment and I have the mango one in the fridge in which I cannot wait to try. I am also trying not to eat after 9pm and inbetween meals which is becoming hard especially as I am a wonderful comfort eater.

I will get the home exercise DVDs out soon and last time I really enjoyed doing them, so I am hoping that I will have the same enthusiasm.

I am definitely not looking to be like a size 10 as I don’t think I have ever been a size 10 lol but I would like to be a size 14 again I felt amazing that size, currently I am size 18-20. More an 18 but I like to wear baggy clothing.

Eurgh, damn you media – but also damn you mind for eating.

Any tips would be seriously appreciated.

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