604baa3a841d45c00eb415553e417c33First of all I have just watched the magnificent Breakfast at Tiffany’s for the first time and wow, why and how have I not watched it before. I can see so much of me in her, its ridiculous. But it also taught me a life lesson, which was simply said by “Fred”:

You know what’s wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You’re chicken, you’ve got no guts. You’re afraid to stick out your chin and say, “Okay, life’s a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that’s the only chance anybody’s got for real happiness.” You call yourself a free spirit, a “wild thing,” and you’re terrified somebody’s gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you’re already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it’s not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It’s wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.”

I am forever terrified that someone is going to stick me in a cage, not allow me to be free and to not allow that chance for such happiness. I know what I want and who I want, but I missed out on those chances and now I am the one unhappy.

One of my biggest thought issues, which not only has been this week but has been for many months is the “what if?” What if drives me insane, it worsens my anxiety and it worsen the future thoughts as well. I am not one to jump into something, I like to think a lot before I do things. But the downside of waiting too long, is that the more time you wait, the more time you start to think of the negatives of that “thing”.

My girl friends know the real me, but don’t at the same time. I listen to them being very happy in their relationships and also the downsides. I listen to those who are single and sleeping with this man and that man etc but that’s just not me. I want someone to like me for me and men/boys have, but as soon as they say they like me… its like nooooooooo back off!!


Films like No Strings Attached and Friends with Benefits have although some serious strong same storylines (1 lots of S’s there lol, 2 why brings these two films out at the same time I will never know), but these films struck accord with me. No I am not gonna go around sleeping with lots of people but its the girl’s attitudes that got to me. The quote above, is exactly what I described earlier and I do do that.

**my own therapy post here ** it’s because of your stupid exes, if they weren’t so much of a dick (whether they be literally small lol *sniggers*) then you would be fine with relationships now and people liking you, go for it!! ** back to the post**
In the past, I have had two of my close boy friends both like me, but I have always looked at the negatives ie:
– ruin the friendship
But what else is there really to lose:
– it either doesn’t work and you don’t talk **shudders at the thought**
– it does not work out but you act mature and you still keep your friendship
– you’ve found your soul mate.
One of these boy friends has just become newly single and all my friends were so excited, including the family and if you had asked me years ago if I had liked him, I would have said “yes, thank god he is now single, its my time!” LOL well not so brash as that. But I do not have any of those feelings, I don’t even want to kiss him. But the other friend, I just want to tell him ** breathes in this is a big moment **
 I did like you, I still do like you and I was just so scared and I am so sorry that I pushed you away, I think about it every day. 
Maybe I can end up like having a relationship like these two. Maybe he is my lobster. Or maybe I am just wasting my time and I should move on.
Why is love or the thought of love so scary, but yet so addictive to want to have and to know and to need. It’s a crave that we all desire, it’s an addiction that we all want, but yet some of us are so scared of it, that in the end we may lose out on the best love.
It definitely made more sense to me, when I see posts of happiness on Facebook, when people are moving on with their lives etc. I know that if this boy does go that step further and possibly get married, I will feel like Rachel when Ross goes to marry Emily.
I know a bit much of a deeper post than usual, but that’s whats been going on in my life this week 🙂

Just friends….or not

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Everyone I am sure in one point in their life has fallen for their friend, and I have been in this position for the past 2 years now. I put my feelings off and off and just thought “nah I can’t like him because I would rather be friends” etc etc and then I start to doubt myself and then it is too late.

I was dating this shit guy (shudders even thinking about it) and my friend (the one that likes me) took me out for a day visit etc and to be honest I really did not know that it was a date until I found out later on. Throughout the “date” lets call it lol it was weird, maybe he was trying to hard but he wasn’t being normal and I thought hey I do kinda like you but if it was just me and you all the time, would it be like this? As I had more interest in shittyguy I kinda glanced over my friend and didn’t see the signs.

We have kissed in the past and he still to this day remembers it 😉 haha jokes no it was very nice.

Anyway, I have this awful awful habit as soon as anyone who likes me gets close to me I back off and I hate it but I automatically do it and thats what happened with him, as shittyguy turned out to be not nice at all. I hid my feelings for so long and he expressed all of his feelings and I just felt awful, still to this day his friends have said that HE STILL likes me. I really do like him and I hate what I did, but now he is with a girlfriend…….. who hates me, probably because he has told her about me.

I am in no way ever ever ever going to break up a relationship never would I do that. But I have also lost a friend due to this girl, even my mutual friends with him agrees as she does not want him talking to anyone. But I would like to go on a date again.

This is what I was scared of, its definitely my fault – absolutely. It has ruined my friendship and I think about him everyday.

Have you been in that position where you are worried to lose your friend because of feelings, but seriously fuck it up.