Why I have had a break from blogging *sad and long blog sorry*

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If you are a regular reader of my blog you may have noticed that I have not blogged in a while, it’s not because I have not had things to talk about – I always have things to talk about, but it’s because I just have been feeling really down lately – mentally and physically.

Mentally:

I absolutely cannot stand my job anymore, I hate going in the morning, I hate having all these new targets, I hate never being rewarded for all the good things you do and I hate how pinickity it has become. For example, my buses have been late ( I have made a formal complaint to the bus company ) which meant that I have been late more than 30 minutes IN TOTAL over 1 month. I cannot help it, I leave earlier and the buses are still late, I got a shitty email from my team leader stating it is “not acceptable” to be late, even being “3 minutes early” is not good enough………… This is a company who time you for how long you go to the toilet, who do not pay you after the shift finishes if you are stuck on a phone call, expects you to be there 10-15 minutes there before you start work to set up even though you don’t get paid for that. They expect you to meet these customer feed back service responses afterwards in which you rely on the general public to do (who pretty much most of the time put the phone down before you transfer), they never say anything positive, it’s always negative and when it is positive there is always a slight tinge of negativity. You try and work alongside the other departments and they think that you are below them and often put the phone down on you or don’t want to talk to the customer, which means that the customer then gets extremely annoyed and you have to deal with the brunt of it. Finally you are not allowed to be off ill more than 3 times in 6 months. As well as this, we got told the other day that we are not allowed to clock out at 5pm on the dot as it seems that we are waiting near the log off button – “Too fucking right!”, so my team mates rightly stated “if you are going to be this petty, what makes you think us the workers are going to not be” – there’s so going to be uproar soon. So you can see why I have become so stressed, anxious and just hating every minute at work at the moment.. there was even an email “inbetween calls can we please not talk about what clothes/dresses you will be wearing at the weekend” hmm……… so that tenses me all up = ¬†Which lovingly leads me onto my physical….

Physical:

I have thoracic outlet syndrome, which if you do not know is the compression of your blood artery thingy lol and your nerve/bone. I have had an operation to release this within my neck, which has left me with scars that I hate (it looks like I have slashed my neck). I fell at Uni and I thought I had whiplash, went to the doctors due to my arm going blue and dead feeling after many different tests and the evaluation that when my arm was raised my pulse stopped in my left arm I was diagnosed with this. They stated after the operation that it could get better or it may come back.

It came back. It could be that I am working in a desk job and so far in the past 10 months I have been sent to hospital twice, one time people thought I had a stroke as the nerves affect from my head all the way to my toe. My face drops slightly, my shoulder becomes so painful, my back curves to the right and then with that I get sciatica in my left leg which means that I cannot walk properly. This has happened on so many occasions and my team leader once said to me “can you not stay and just use your right side”…… seriously no sympathy/empathy. I often loose grip in my left arm, it goes very heavy, pins and needles. At one point a few months ago I could not raise it higher than 90 degrees or move my neck to the right, I have had a small op to reduce the swelling but they cannot do more due to the scar tissue from first operation.

On Wednesday evening, I had a horrible scare. I came out of the shower and sat down on my bed, I physically could not move my body at all apart from my head. I could not lay back, put my legs out nothing, I had to mentally force myself to slam myself onto the bed sideways, I had half of my clothes on and I was forcing them up my body. I just felt ridiculous. After 5 minutes I had kinda “snailed” myself up to my pillow and thought fuck this I just need to sleep, I was hanging off the bed so uncomfortable but I couldnt move. My back kept going into spams, like it kept locking and I was not able to relax at all.

5’oclock came and my god I needed a pee haha, I tried to get up…….. my body was not moving, nothing was moving. I really needed to go to the toilet so again mentally I was like come on you need to get up!!! 5 minutes later, I sat up and had to pick up my legs to put them on the floor. Finally got to the loo, couldnt even get off it ūüė¶ I just felt so sad. What is this life ūüė¶ Got some of my mums meds and thought I am up in 2 hours for work how I am going to do this!

8 oclock came and I had been trying for 15 minutes to get out of bed, I was getting more and more frustrated and just started crying, crying so much. My body would not move at all apart from my arms and head. I knew I was going to be late for work and I live downstairs with my parents upstairs and I am not one often to cry for help but I actually had to ring the home phone to wake up my parents and just cried to my mum to come and get me out of bed. She ran downstairs not knowing what hell was going on, I have never been so scared and embarrassed. My mum had to grab my legs and twist my body onto the ground, I Was screaming in pain. It was like my whole body was frozen, she tried to pull me up and she did eventually. I stood up and nearly collapsed again. I had no idea what was going on, I rang work and kinda cried down the phone.

My worry:

Yep my worry was not only my whole body but I am now on my 3rd illness for work, can’t be off ill again for another 4/5 months. fucking ridiculous. My back is still not right 3 days later. I seriously think all the stress from work is having a huge affect on my body. I had a breakdown at work the other day and had a go at my supervisor and said how I have wanted to quit, so she is keeping an eye on me and yeah………..

that’s my life.

I am trying to be positive at the moment but just feel like crap.

Has anyone got ANYTHING positive that I can read?

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The book of Face.

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What has Facebook resorted to?

It used to be one of the best places to communicate with people after leaving somewhere, or not having someone’s number, a quick and easy way to say hello. My time at Uni was the best place for this, keeping up to date with my friends at home, talking to my parents and just uploading photos to share with loved ones (although some I am now regretting), nowadays it’s all about stalking your exes, ex friends, reposting this photo because someone somewhere wants a kitten and no one actually having a conversation.

Facebook it seems to be somewhere where you collect a list of friends, watching whatever they do; updating stupid look at me statuses, uploading photos of their car, babies or themselves in that stupid pose shown above. You have this urge to although however much they annoy you to keep these people on your list, whether looking at their downward spiral makes you feel good about your own life, or just because you’re a nosey bugger. The feeling you get after “unfriending them” is a weird one, its a mixture of guilt and freedom. The guilt comes when you next see them and they know that you have unfriended them, I have had it when I have gone to look for someone on my list to talk to them and they have unfriended me, I mean yes sure you do go through the “what the hell have I done to them” phase, then you think ah well my closest friends are my real ones.

Another annoying thing about Facebook, and its not the game requests its THE PEOPLE:

the stalker:

this is the person who stalks what people are doing and bring it up at a later date, the person who never posts anything and is just in the background. These are also the people who stalk their exes or their ex friends, to see what type of life they are leading now, whether they are missing you or having a better life without you.

the attention:

‘oh my god, my life is awful’, ‘im so ill’, ‘someone text me’ or having the same status updates every 3 days on repeat. Along this section would be the people who post the photos of themselves, posing in a mirror pouting away and then editing it with the caption “i look rough here but i dont care what you think” then 5 minutes later put up a status update of “oh my god im so lonely”, GET out and meet people.

love:

single, relationship, single, relationship, single, relationship… seriously, no wonder the bloody divorce rate is up if all you’re going to do is annoy your partner on facebook with the threat of going single and not talking it through. As well as this, the people who are forever in relationships, ie those who are never single and if and when they are they complain about the opposite sex or moan about others in relationships. The single person who is constantly updating their status updates, photo uploads about how annoyed they are about being single.

lecturer:

you know those particular individual who feel it is their duty to comment on politics, environment, money, religion and that only their view is the best. annoying.

gullible:

“share/like/comment” if you feel that this person needs a new kitten, can rescue this person from cancer (a like will not do this, donating money will – I have nothing against people who are promoting the help for cancer, but doing these things will not help cancer). Share if you support our troops – of course you support them, support them in other ways.

technophobes:

updating a status “how do I do this?, how do I do that?” either find out for yourself or google it. That’s how I have learnt.

the annoying ones:

my least favourite of them all, the people who comment and like on EVERYTHING that you post. The simplest update you do, they have to comment and question about what it is about. I am sorry, mr nosey fucker did I ask you to comment on this. When I am uploading music videos/photos in which I like onto MY wall, why do you comment on it and say “this is rubbish, this is better”. I am a nice person, I do not want to block you, but you will be blocked soon.

the unaware ones:

you know these are the people who see a comment that someone else has done on your wall and decides to comment onto it or like it, as well as this these are the people who seem to think its okay to comment on a photo with loads of likes on it Рthis means that ALL those people then receive a notification. I believe the worst of these types of people are those like I have already said who comment on something someone else has already done and then starts a conversation with another person who also thinks its a brilliant idea to comment on that post. Just absolutely ridiculous.

the ones who share:

hmmm, I can be known to do this – sharing links, photos, videos from sites which they found to be amazing, funny, pretty, true etc. They sometimes can be aimed at someone in their friendship feed, how they are feeling that day or just random. It is often the case when the rest of your facebook could not give a damn as to what you put on there. Just be aware lol!

Anyway, thats my rant over for today it does seem Facebook just seems to be getting more and more ridiculous.

I dont know, maybe it’s just me.

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And in that moment, I swear we were infinite

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I always say think positive, there is no point being negative at all in life – what’s the reason of you being negative, what is it going to bring to your life apart from sadness and just making you feel like absolute shite.

We can go for days, weeks, months, years with our day to day lives but it takes that special second – moment – day to make our lives 100% better even just for that time. IF you find that something special in your life, that special someone or whatever you find that makes you feel ¬†just bloody brilliant inside it, do me a favour – Keep hold of it close, never let it go and don’t let anyone spoil it or make you feel negative about it.

It’s your life, you chose who your friends are, you chose which family members you want to speak to, you chose what clothes you want to wear, you chose if you want to wear make up and you chose what you say. If you chose to be negative stay away from me. I do not want to lead a negative life, I do not want to be brought down by those who cannot see that we live in a world with those surrounding us love us for who we are.

Just remember, it’s your life. You only have the one life and if you believe in reincarnation then this is your chapter. You maybe only one person in billions but you are someone’s world.

I saw something the other day and the quote was:

“If¬†you think you are¬†too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a¬†mosquito”

Take photographs all the time with your friends, take photographs of moments, video those funny moments. Times change, people change but those who love you the truest will be there no matter what.

Ps, I in no way condone that if you are not happy with your life to do something negative against your own self. Please speak to a loved one or someone that wishes to help you.

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