Why do I fear being in a relationship?

So, this is a post that I have been putting off writing for years, and I literally mean years. I’m hoping that by writing it, it will clear away so many thoughts in my head, or even just some weight off my shoulders.

I suck at relationships/ people liking me.

There I said it. I’m so bored of it. I thought I would write down all of the thoughts in my head… here we go: Continue reading “Why do I fear being in a relationship?”

Him.

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I don’t know whether it is just me, I am sure it’s not but I can’t stop thinking about one boy. He is my one regret. Every night now for hours I havent been able to sleep because all I can do is think of him.

We used to be so close, to the point everyone wanted us to be together. One night we got very drunk and went to a different club and had a great night, just the 1 kiss.

I was seeing another guy at the time (NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP, literally 1 date!) and at the time I preferred this other guy. My friend H kept texting me saying he wishes there were more kisses etc (this was a few years ago). I started seeing this other boy, yes I now feel like an absolute twat. H phoned me out of the blue months later out with his girlfriend C and I said you should go talk to her, but again “I would prefer to talk to you”, each time something bad happens in his life he texts me. I said I didn’t have feelings for him because, okay have you seen the movie No Strings Attached, I cannot put into words how much this clip is my love life:

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Each time someone likes me and I did it with the guy I was dating as well, I find all the negative points about them and back myself away from that person. I don’t know whether its my exes fault because they all just dumped me with no reason because I thought they were great and nothing went wrong (in my eyes), I am just so scared.

So I am currently sat here alone feeling very sorry for myself, hating being single. Hating that I have now been single for 6 years. Hating that H is with C because I know and have been told by the person H told this too that he still really likes me. I am no way going to split up a relationship, back in November he tried to kiss me (he was extremely drunk), there’s always been that connection with me and him. But I know if I started dating him I would do this. If this C wasnt so horrible to me on this night out and didn’t make me cry because of the way she acted towards me, I don’t know if I would feel different.

Maybe I am just missing him as a friend, because he never responds to any texts now ie “hi how are you” (these texts are sent 1x every 2 months)

I just………….. im so fucked. Really sad post, I can’t get out my frustrations there are more.

I have tried online dating, but as soon as someone tries to talk to me, im like nope thats it – deleting the account lol.

Help 😦

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My Fake Future Wedding Ideas

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I am going to do the weird girl post of what I wish for my wedding in the future, I am a single girl and of course as a single girl in your mid 20’s you see lots of your friends becoming engaged or in long term relationships and you’re sat there as I am now watching Bridget Jones thinking …….. bugger. I therefore thought I would put together a group of photographs as to what my ideal wedding  would be (in my head!).

The dress: 

As someone who is a size 18 you really do not want a dress to make you look even “bigger” than you do in a daily life, you want to feel beautiful and just desirable, you want to feel special. I have looked at lots of different designs (yes I am that sad!) and I have come up with my top six , I am not going to write about them or tell you as to why I love them – I would just like you to have a look:

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The Shoes:

I am if you have not read previous blogs a lover of shoes, I would prefer if we would all walk around bare footed or in socks but then again I wouldn’t want my feet going in any needles or lots of rocks haha. But shoes are essential for the wedding, I have the idea of course from other brides that heels are not a thing to wear, great to look at but that’s about it, you need to dance the night away a lot of time on your heels and if you aren’t drunk there is going to be pain.

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The Bridesmaids:

I haven’t thought how many bridesmaids I would have or even would I would chose for that matter – I also know that through my friends most of the time they hate the dress so I would like something that they are comfortable to be in, but in order to work with the theme the bridesmaids would need to carry this colour and this is what I think:

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The Groom:

The Groom can do as he wishes, as long as he is smart and he has a tie or a silk tie which is the same colour as the theme of the wedding. There is too much emphasis on it being the brides decision but the groom is there as well, if he is not there there is no wedding.

So here is some pictures of some gorgeous groom suits that I just think oooh hello 😉 :

PS  a man in a suit is just the best look!!

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Trinkets and the look:

Each wedding is unique to that couple, so as I do not know who the mystery man is yet and what the similarities we have together – these are all mine mwahaha.

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Hope that you enjoyed this, I did and now I feel rubbish as I am single 😦 boooooohoooo

 

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2014.

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Welcome to 2014, let’s hope it rocks.

So I started off my new year with my mum painting my nails, watching rubbish tv and bed as soon as it turned to midnight as I had to go to work the next day. Hello Cinderella.

I have actually no idea why I chose to work New Year apart from the extra money, it caused me so much stress which I did not need to start the year.

But on a positive note, 2 days ago I celebrated my 25th birthday. Lol definitely sucks to have everything all together, thats it now until Easter. I doubt I will have a valentines day, so bring on more chocolate (seriously I could open up a chocolate shop with all the treats over the xmas and birthday time!). Fatty boom boom!

I made a 2013 memory jar and I decided to open it up on January 2nd and wow I was shocked as to what I had actually been through!! Some of the highlights is my Nan (who is also 80 on my birthday – yay go her!) beat cancer, my Mum found out she didnt have breast cancer, I have had a number of job interviews and it just seemed positive. Well I wanted to think that.

I put it on facebook and haha, it seems that everyone is now tagging me in photos of the jar idea as they all thought I came up with it. Clearly I spend too much time on pinterest.com haha oh dear! But I am definitely making another one up.

Anyway 2014, what do I want to happen:

– to buy a car

– to have a boyfriend

– to have a job in which I don’t dread going into every morning

– to have enough money to move out.

what I think will happen:

– I will still be sharing my mums car

– I will be still single

– I will still be stuck in the same job hating it more and going for interviews but getting frustrated

– I will be as poor as ever.

but…………. I am trying to change, so we shall see.

Anyway – Happy New Year.

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Online Dating.

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I have started online dating – what am I doing:

So far I feel like I am absolutely stupid doing this, I have no idea what I am doing and it seems such an easy task. There are quite a few weirdos I have already come across and I am still unsure as to whether this is the best move for me…. again.

Let me tell you I have dated people on and off the internet before, my first two relationships were from the online area and they ended really badly. Those two relationships went on before meeting for a number of moths and then when we met it lasted only a few days. I was young and definitely naive but it has definitely made me more aware of what could go wrong.  I have not only joined the most amazing dating website in the world (!) but it will do for now, as currently I am unsure and I do not want to be paying to speak to someone online who I do not know.

Plenty of Fish what a website

Pros

The idea that anyone can talk to you is a bonus, although you can always put restrictions on who you wish to speak to, ie – age, whether they are married or whether they would like sexual encounters – no thanks! You of course can chose in any of these categories, it does sound horrible already picking off people before even talking to them but of course people can ignore you too, it definitely works in both ways. It’s very strange when the first few conversations come in, you feel all special and wanted until you see the types of messages (and you can easily spot those who just copy and paste!) But it’s nice to get to know someone. I have only been on there just over a week now and I am still very wary of course. My best friend met her now partner 3 years ago and they are currently expecting their second child together and she is happy. There are always success stories.

Cons

Oh there is definitely cons to go with these types of websites, I think in my frame of mind at the moment is that there are more cons than pros. One of the biggest cons for me is that how do you know if the person is real or fake. I have had it in the past where I have been speaking to someone for months and in the end they turned around and said that they were absolutely lying about who they were. I felt absolutely horrid inside.

Another con is – Am I ready for this? – it takes me ages to open up to someone even in a bar, they want me to have their number and I may or may not giggle in their face or walk away. So the idea of taking their number for the next step then meeting them freaks me out, so imagine meeting someone I have never even see face to face!! But the guilt afterwards of seeing that I have let them down is bloody awful.  The last con of this website is in particular that although you can see who is checking you out and yes I have had some people I know on there checking me out, I am not keen on those people who see that I am checking them out. Yes I am not really fair am I haha! It (the website) has such a bad reputation and if someone came up to me and said “oh I saw you on POF” I would immediately take myself off through embarrassment.

Is it just me?

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